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Stuff
Aug 9, 2008 18:43:46 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 9, 2008 18:43:46 GMT -8
1. Never take on someone that has just beaten the Hero, unless it is to distract him just before the Hero delivers the killing blow. 2. If the Evil Overlord announces to the world that he has reformed and wants only to help people, throw a party, and give away money, don't go. Not even if he's playing Prince's music. Especially if he's playing Prince's music. If he's lying, you'll be a hostage or a statistic. If he's telling the truth, catch the next one. 3. Watching the Evil Overlord's interview on TV will certainly be interesting, but do not be in the studio audience when he/she/it hosts "Saturday Night Live." Tape it, and wait a week or so to see if any other viewers had any seizures or mind-control problems before you watch the tape. 4. If you're riding on public transport and the Magnificent Seven board your train or bus, get out immediately and wait for the next one. Especially if they're in their street clothes. 5. If you are exceptionally attractive, stay away from banks. It's always the buxom redhead who gets taken hostage by the bankrobbers. 6. Do not run back to get your teddy bear or puppy. 7. If you have small children, keep them on one of those kid leashes when in public, so that they won't go running back after their teddy bear or puppy. 8. When a Bad Guy uses you for a human shield, certain delicate areas of his body are in striking range of your heel. Go for it. 9. If an acquaintance of yours seems to disappear everytime the Hero puts in an appearance, rub some of those brain cells together and see what comes up. 10. If your child has an adult friend who frequently urges your child to clear his/her mind, or tells you that your child has "a rare gift," set your affairs in order. Your days are numbered. 11. If you are a news reporter, find a happy medium between the people's right to know and your right to not get kidnapped/held hostage/etc. 12. Likewise, if you are a policeman, bank guard, or night watchman, and your first shot bounces off of the intruder's chest, try shooting other areas of the intruder's body, like their face, groin, etc. If this also fails, do not waste the rest of your ammo on him/her/it, or risk your neck in hand-to-hand combat; instead, fall back and observe. 13. Do not attempt to duplicate the means by which the Hero gained his/her powers. You will either fail and die a lingering, agonizing death, or succeed, lose control of your powers, wreck half of the city, and make it necessary for the Hero to kill you to neutralize the threat you pose to everyone else. 14. If you associate with the Hero, you run the risk of becoming a True Love or a Sidekick, depending on your availability and mutual gender preferences. The former situation will involve hostage situations on a semi-regular basis, but chances of survival are optimal. The latter position can be quite hazardous to your health; avoid it. 15. If the Hero and the Evil Overlord are engaged in mortal battle, go somewhere else as quickly as possible, before you are squished by a car, the statue of the city's founder, or a collapsing skyscraper. 16. If you notice that your fellow reporter can type 1,024 words per minute, you should be able to tell that something's up. 17. If the Evil Overlord offers you immortality, superpowers, or infinite wealth, and all you have to do is something that seems terribly trivial, don't. It's a trick. You will be used as a pawn in a larger game, and then crushed like a bug. 18. Don't try to impress your significant other by emulating something that a Hero once did. Doing so usually results in said Hero having to come and save your butt. And you look like a complete loser, too. 19. When you hear reports that the Hero has been involved in some illicit activity, remain skeptical; it's probably a frame-up. 20. Never purposely investigate the Hero in order to learn his true identity. Success will get you kidnapped by the Evil Overlord. 21. If a Superhero takes up residence in your city, a nice spacious estate in the country will help you to actualize your potential lifespan. 22. If you are a security guard for a vast, powerful corporation, try to get assigned to the Marketing or Personnel departments, rather than R&D. 23. If there's a shy, quiet kid in your class that everyone picks on, treat him with respect and kindness. Your life will be spared when his psychic powers become manifest. 24. If you are spending the night in a spooky old house on a dare, do not sneak away to another part of the house for romantic interludes with your Significant Other. Instead, wait until you can get a nice, clean, safe motel room. 25. If you come across a body, do not walk slowly in the direction of a suspicious noise, or stand above the body in a stunned state of shock. Instead, call the police on your cell phone. 26. If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that you live close to civilization so that you can socialize with your peers and date. That way you'll be able to judge the Hero and the Evil Overlord on their own merits. 27. If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that they educate you in their specialty, so that you can duplicate their research as the need arises, and excercise some restraint on their schemes should they become mad. Keep in mind that if the Evil Overlord offs your parents, you will be required to use your knowledge to defeat him. 28. If the Hero says "wait here," it really doesn't matter whether you obey him or not. If you stay, you will be captured by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as soon as the Hero is out of earshot. If you tag along, you will be caught by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as you stumble along. Don't agonize over your decision. 29. Evil Overlord's friendly overtures are never sincere. If he is suddenly friendly to you, answer him with courtesy and skip town at the first opportunity. If he has always been friendly to you, answer him with courtesy and feign utter uselessness in his designs. 30. Learn to control sneezing, coughing, and other bodily noises so that you won't give yourself away when you're trying to hide from tyrannosaurs, henchmen, etc. 31. If you enter a house, fortress, cave, temple, tomb, graveyard, etc., especially one with a malevolent aura or history of macabre events, and an eerie, disembodied voice orders you to depart the premises, go. 32. If the mere presence of your new sweetheart provokes a hostile or fearful reaction in cats or dogs, terminate the relationship immediately. 33. If someone chasing after someone else asks you to catch the latter, feign incomprehension. If you comply, you'll either catch the hero (and thereby play into the villain's hands), or catch the villain (who will waste you or use you as a hostage). 34. If you are a police man, bank guard, or night watchman, and somebody breaches the concrete walls of your facility, it is generally a waste of time trying to ask them about their business. 35. If a new hero shows up and takes business away from the old one, keep your distance; they're either a Bad Guy pretending to be good, or their powers are not fully developed and will soon go out of control. 36. Do not attempt to observe the Hero's fights in person, but rather content yourself with watching it on the nightly news. 37. If mysterious strangers appear at the birth or adoption of your child and make epic proclamations about him/her, listen. 38. Don't make friends with the Hero's True Love. You'll buy it when she gets kidnapped. 39. Do not take the shortcut through the woods. 40. Do not make the snack run alone. Bring someone else with you. 41. Do not actively try to become a Sidekick or True Love. If you really have what it takes, you'll wind up with the role no matter what you do. 42. If your corporation conducts research, do not volunteer to work after hours. That's when the experiments go awry. 43. If you run a corporation that conducts research, do not fire one of your researchers without first dismantling every bit of their laboratory equipment and getting a hold of everything they've taken home. 44. Do not attempt to chase custom-built vehicles, even if you are a policeman. 45. If you are singled out as the Chosen One, politely inquire as to what this entails. If the job description involves "Defeating the Darkness," and involves long years of danger and struggle, you've just been made a Hero, and the person naming you as the Chosen One is your Mentor (or can direct you to your Mentor). If the position of Chosen One involves being pampered by half-naked temple virgins, then it will end with you being sacrificed to the volcano, and the person calling you the Chosen One is the Evil High Priest(ess) who intends to perform the ceremony. 46. Any artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, and should only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction. 47. Stay away from all buildings or natural features of the landscape that resemble skulls, fists, fanged mouths, etc. 48. Before going off the beaten path for your vacation, check the police archives, and with the old people who live in the region, taking note of any mysterious deaths or disappearances. 49. No matter how hooked you are on phonics, don't try to pronounce things you find inscribed in ancient artifacts. 50. Artifacts that are found in pieces should be left in pieces. Most importantly, if the pieces of an artifact stick together during assembly without any sort of adhesive, stop! 51. When the scholar in the expedition says that the carving promises wrath on he who breaks the seal, it's time to go back to the camp. 52. When the medical examiner announces that the victim was bitten or eaten by "something weird that I've never seen before, probably some kind of animal", avoid the area where the biting/eating took place. If the victim is still alive, avoid the victim except under broad daylight. 53. If it glows, avoid it. 54. When the alien ship arrives, do not join the welcoming committee.
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Stuff
Aug 9, 2008 18:45:16 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 9, 2008 18:45:16 GMT -8
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Of course, these are merely the Top 100 Things I'd do. Other suggestions have been sent to me which didn't quite make the Top 100 List. But they are still so good that I couldn't bear to throw them out. Therefore, as an expression of gratitude, I have tossed them into...
# I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
# I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
# I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
# My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
# I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
# If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
# Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
# Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
# I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
# I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
# I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
# I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
# I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
# I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
# I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
# If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
# No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
# If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
# I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
# Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
# If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
# The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
# If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
# Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
# Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
# Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
# Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
# I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
# Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
# All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
# I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
# Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
# If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
# If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
# My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
# If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
# Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
# The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
# If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
# I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
# As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
# If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
# If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
# I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
# My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
# If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
# I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
# Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
# Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
# I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
# I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
# I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
# My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
# I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
# If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
# If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
# Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
# I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
# If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
# Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
# I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
# If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
# When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
# I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
# As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
# If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
# If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
# I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
# If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
# I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
# I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
# I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
# Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
# If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
# I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
# I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
# If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
# If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
# I will not outsource core functions.
# If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
# I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
# I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
# Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
# I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
# If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
# I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
# I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
# I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
# I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.
# If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
# I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
# If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
# If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
# I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
# I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
# I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
# I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
# I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
# I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
# During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
# All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
# All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
# I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
# I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
# All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
# When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
# Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
# Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
# I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
# All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
# If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
# I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
# I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
# If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
# If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
# If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
# If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
# I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
# I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
# Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
# My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
# I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
# I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
# I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
# I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
# All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
# All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
# I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
# I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
# All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
# When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
# Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
# Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
# I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
# All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
# If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
# I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
# I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
# If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
# If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
# If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
# If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
# I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
# I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
# Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
# My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
# I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
# I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
# I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
# I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
# I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
# I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
# If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
# If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
# I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
# Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.
* I will never wear a cape. o If I do decide to wear a cape, it will be tied on in such a way that it comes off when pulled. This will allow me to look cool without worrying about it being used to catch me or strangle me. Heck, it might even distract the hero when he pulls on my cape while I escape and he is left with the cape. + I will also wire my cape with Semtex if I think the hero may try to pull it off. The only person with the detonator for my bomb-cape will be me. * I will avoid wearing a mask if at all feasible. o Unless it makes me more powerful or if I need to hide my identity. o If I need to hide my identity with a mask, then that mask will, through either technology or magic (or both), at the very least change my voice. Other functions should include a breath mask and protection from bullets. * And no leather dress/catsuit with an insane amount of cleavage. It will confuse the hero if the villainess is demurely dressed. If she really wants to dress like that, fine, but I'll advise against it. o Keeping in mind the usually positive cleavage-to-skill correlation in most femme fatale outfits, I will design the most Stripperiffic costume possible, and give it to my lowest ranked minions. Increases in rank will bring attendant changes in uniform to something less revealing and more practical. In addition to screwing with the hero's expectations, this will give the minions something to work for, and it's good to have ambitious minions. o Though not "too" ambitious, obviously. o Hey, I just trained them to regard long pants and a high neckline as the ultimate reward. Toppling my rule is going to seem so overreaching as to be lunacy to them. o Male henchmen can wear skirts and catsuits if they want provided they're sufficiently pretty, as long as they shave anywhere that'll be showing. * No matter how tempting, I will not employ time-travel in any of my evil schemes. It always ends poorly. Or begins poorly. It's hard to tell with time-travel. o If Future Me shows up and tries to convince that I need to go time traveling with him in order to save the universe from a Cosmic Horror who is Eviler Than Me, then I will shoot him. If he really was me from the future then he would have known better than to try to reason with a super villain. o If I need Past Me to go time traveling with me in order to save the universe from a Cosmic Horror who is Eviler Than Us, then I will bring a tranquilizer gun. o Actually, y'know what? If this situation ever comes up, I'm going straight to the hero and his buddies and enlisting their help, and then we'll go back in time and enlist Past Hero too. The combined power of me and double my archrival ought to do it, and Past Me will have a clear field to wreak some havoc while Past Hero is occupied. * If my enemy owns his own Humongous Mecha, I will obtain the design specs and make my own evil version. Battle Effectiveness is not guaranteed, but I can make a killing on the merchandising. o As an alternative, if the hero starts building a Mecha I'll build a few dozen tanks for the same price. Then I'll have them shoot his ankles off... giant bipedal robots are a lot less impressive when they can't stand up. o But before I do that, I will find out why he went to all the trouble to build a mecha. Given the time and the number of people that would have to be involved, at least one would likely have realized the inherent problems. Given that, if it gets built anyway, there's probably a d**n good reason. o I will always keep in mind, however, that Conservation Of Ninjitsu frequently applies to machines too, and that it is really embarrassing for your large fleet of tanks to be destroyed by a sixteen-year-old in a mecha. It makes you look weak and unimaginative. + I'll build one, ginormous, efficient tank. While the hero designs a complicated robot hand to hold his gun, I shall simply build the gun right into the tank, and make a killing on savings. Which I can use to build a better gun. That sort of thing. + That didn't work very well when Those Wacky Nazis tried it, though... so maybe not. Hey, now I know! I'll build a mockup of an appropriately evil-looking Humongous Mecha (thus reaping the marketing benefits as well), but fit it with no actual weapon-systems - only enough power and mobility for basic moment. Instead, I'll fit it with a tactical nuclear weapon and a remote-control. When the hero tries to engage my mech in meele combat - and they always DO, for some reason - I just make sure I'm well outside the blast-range and press the red button. My PR Department will inform anyone who complains that the experimental fusion-reactor in the hero's mech went critical due to apparent design-flaws. o Wait a minute. I'm both well aware of what is Cool But Inefficient and am Dangerously Genre Savvy. To that end, I'll go both ways, and construct a force of fairly smaller mecha than what the hero will be trotting around in, probably quadrapedal or even more leggy, to avoid dangers to their mobility. These smaller mecha will thus have all the advantages of the Rule Of Cool inherent to mecha while at the same time avoiding many of the weaknesses of single large mechas. + I will also ensure that all of these mecha are individually customized, with unique paintjobs and affectations, and have pilots whose names are constantly mentioned and have deep, colorful backgrounds. Also, these mecha will only operate in small groups, thus utilizing both Nominal Importance and dodging Conservation Of Ninjitsu. Plus, there's the possibility one or more of my many unique mecha-pilot minions will become the target of a Misaimed Fandom, making them unable to die. I'm Dangerously Genre Savvy; I might as well take advantage of it. + Remembering that named pilots have a higher chance of going rogue than the unnamed ones, I will keep the best, most highly developed machine to myself. It will not, however, be the largest one--my Dragon gets that. o Actually, before I do anything I shall determine where my universe falls on the Sliding Scale of Real Robot and Super Robot o I will also consider sending out infantry in light body armour with anti-tank weaponary. Surely the young boy who just Fell Into The thingypit of the enemy's latest super robot will be reluctant to kill without the buffer a giant robot or power armour provides? * If I ever attack my enemy's main base, my operational plan will specifically de-target the pilots' barracks to a distance no less than three times the lethal radius of my most powerful weapons, thus insuring his mecha are commanded by their regular pilots rather than sixteen year-old replacements who will invariably be more formidable. o Hell, if I know the layout of their base well enough to know where the barracks are, I should know where the hangar bay, motor pool, and/or armory would be, and should begin by seizing and/or destroying those. Airstrike time! + However, that has a tendency to result in a variation on the above flaw, in that with all their regular weapons and vehicles destroyed, the heroes will be forced to field their highly-experimental prototype instead, which will promptly turn out to be more effective than their entire regular forces combined. The airstrike should be refined to target the laboratory areas marginally in advance of the hangar bay, motor pool, etc. * Clones. BAD. o I will never create an army of clones. o I will never clone myself to have a backup body. + If I do clone myself to have a backup body, I will keep the clone in stasis until needed. I will also perfect a foolproof method of transferring my consciousness between clone bodies, because the point here is for me to conquer the world. My identical twin doing it just ain't the same. o I will never clone the hero. o The only way cloning is acceptable is if it's a part of expanding the Hive Mind. And even then, it's still not a good idea unless I'm part of that Hive Mind. And then only if I'm the controlling part. * If I do build an Amusement Park Of Doom, I won't go the tired old deathtrap-roller-coaster route. It's too obvious, and cost-ineffective. Instead, I'll just overcharge for beverages, and never let the hero realize they're financially supporting my evil schemes. o Better yet, to be truly evil, I'll make the beverages free. Then install overpriced pay toilets. + And charge both to enter and to exit. + And to flush. + And to wipe. + And there will be fines for inadequate hand-washing. Fines generate cash, and catching dysentery off the idiot hero is not how I plan to end by reign of terror. o Wait, I've just remembered the Theme Park video game. Free fries, salty as the Bonneville Flats, and drinks that cost an arm and a leg (literally, if desired). Besides, even those with the mildest Anti Hero tendencies will just piss in the bushes anyway. o Alternatively, the drinks are free but laced with slow-acting poison to which only I (supposedly) have the cure. I will use this as leverage to force the heroes to get me a MacGuffin, at which point I will break tradition and actually give the hero the cure I promised. However, the 'cure' I give will actually be a fast-acting poison that kills him in half an hour. o There should be no cotton candy. o The cake is a lie! There will be cake. o Why am I building a Circus Of Fear again? Screw this -- I will hire a competent psychiatrist to remove the compulsion that led me to do this in the first place and then go and do something useful. To assuage my needs, I will build a regular Amusement Park with an Of Doom theme. That oughta scratch my itch and provide some much-needed funding for the real plans. * If I ever feel the need to slow down the hero's progress by placing doors that can only be opened once he has a certain number of Plot Coupons, I won't bother creating a large number of such doors requiring an increasing number of items. Instead there will be a single door, right at the beginning, that cannot be opened until the hero has all of them. Needless to say, all plot coupons are on the other side of the door. o On a related note, I will not set up arbitrary puzzles to slow progress through my castle. If I really think that simply using a key/ password/ fingerprint scanner is not enough then the only way to open the door will be to follow some obscure sequence of moves that is not hinted at anywhere - anyone who is authorised to pass will know what this is. o Plus anybody who has a guide. Note to self: kill guide publishers. o Of course, an obscure sequence of moves that is not hinted at anywhere, is a password. o The password will not be "Swordfish". It will be a random series of letters, numbers, and even punctuation. Nobody ever thinks of punctuation. * I will always keep in mind that nothing slows down the hero's progress quite like being dead, and remind myself not to settle for second best. * If I am ever so bored as to feel the need to destroy a planet for my own amusement, I will blow up an uninhabited gas giant, rather than an insignificant blue planet with a population that might include potential heroes. Besides, gas giants blow up with satisfyingly dramatic explosions; they're more fun anyway.
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Aug 9, 2008 18:46:15 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 9, 2008 18:46:15 GMT -8
o I will then remember that gas giants are thousands of times more massive than small rocky planets, take forever to expand even with the proper energy input, and were probably home to of a psychic gestalt hydrogen based race who communicated with a priestly caste a thousand lightyears away, the last member of which will dedicate his life to slaying me. If I must blow things up, I will implicate a lesser functionary as the horrific destructor of sentient lifeforms afterwards, and choose small, lifeless moons with no possibility of any life present to blow up. No doubt there is a tiny, shielded colony within its rocky surface that my men overlooked, but the Fall Guy will take the blame and be already dead by the time the last survivors come after me. Ahem. o Actually, you know what, I just won't blow up any planets. Wal-Marts will do, nobody will miss those. o Under no circumstances will I blow up the local Target, however. I have to get my socks somewhere, after all. They are really asking for it with that name though. o Actually, the name IS too tempting. I will steal my socks from Abercrombie and Fitch, and watch the mushroom cloud while enveloped in silky comfort. * I may have a Fu Manchu moustache, but only if I am either a: Genre Savvy or b: extremely campy. o And it's still not a good idea unless I happen to be both. * I will never execute one of my generals for failing to win a single battle despite his best efforts. After all, people make mistakes, and if he didn't consistently deliver results, I wouldn't have promoted him in the first place. o The punishment for failure in my minions shall be demotion or dismissal, not execution. As said before, people make mistakes, and killing does not inspire loyalty or encourage new recruits to join. o In a similar vein, my minions shall receive: a good pension plan, health benefits, two weeks of paid vacation time per year, and a good salary. This inspires loyalty and it encourages people to join if the job is a good one. * Should a messenger catch me and my evil consort in flagrante delicto, I will not remain in bed while listening to the message. I will instead excuse myself, put on a dressing gown, and go into the next room to hear what he has to say. If it's important enough for him to ignore the "Do Not Disturb" sign, I should probably be giving it my full attention. o If the messenger's eyes wander too much, or if the message isn't important, he's fired, and should thank me for not killing them. Anyone who plans on taking a messenger job should be warned about interrupting my "private time" right off the bat, and they d**n well better not forget. o Unless, you know, I find the messenger in question attractive, in which case (my current lover permitting) I may take wandering eyes to imply interest and invite them to join us. See the above entry on Minionshipping. Did I emphasize the CAUTION bit enough? o I will also consider the benefits of a speaker system, with a call and response system that prevents impersonation. Messengers can be the hero in disguise and I really don't need to be surprised when I'm that vulnerable. * If the hero's father is no longer alive, I will use every bit of misinformation possible to make him believe that I am his real father. I will then drop hints that suggest that I am not beyond redemption. During an appropriate moment, I will pretend to return to goodness, and, while we embrace in a reconciliatory father-son moment, I will stab him in the back. Sucker. o This works especially well if I killed his father myself. The irony makes me happy. o In a similar vein, if I am an actual member of the hero's family, I will also suggest that I am not beyond redemption. However, I will ensure that our relationship is common knowledge. This ensures that not only is the hero surely aware of it, but it also ruins his street cred. After all, who wants to be known as the nephew of the guy who killed 10,000 people because he was bored? When the moment to fake a return to goodness arises, I will insist on hugging my beloved nephew/cousin/son/whatever. At that point I will stab him in the back. Sucker. * If I form a cult, it will be entirely made up just to rob people of money, rather like Scientology. Unlike Scientology, there will be no supernatural elements, as that would just mean the spirit/god/demon/mystic plebotinum/etc. would backfire on me eventually. Also, it just makes you sound silly. o Obviously, this doesn't apply in the case that I am a god or if I need believers in order to become one. * If I have created several boss monsters that have lost to the hero already but are in my final dungeon, which the hero has penetrated, the hero will not have to fight all of them in a sequence. Rather, they, along with myself, will all attack the hero simultaneously. o For that matter, if I can create multiple copies of boss monsters, I will have them all fight the hero at once in the first place, and not wait for him to reach my stronghold, with all of those upgraded weapons and learned skills. o You know what, as soon as I hear of a hero, I, in my most powerful form, along with all of the copies of all my boss monsters, will attack right then. Preferably at night when the hero is asleep. * When I create a devastatingly powerful robotic or genetically engineered minion with only one elemental weakness, I will make absolutely certain that none of my other minions are carrying an easily stolen weapon designed to strike that weakness. o Its elemental weakness will be Actinium-227. That should ward off the average do-gooder. + Screw Actinium. Something even rarer like Ununoctium-294 of which only three atoms have been confirmed to have existed. o Alternatively, it just won't have an elemental weakness. Seriously, how hard is it to fix such a glaring design flaw? o Or, just for fun, its elemental weakness will be something highly radioactive. After all, villains have better chances in a realistic series, and nothing says gritty realism quite like cancer. + Before that, I should extensively test the realism of the universe to ensure that cancer is truly the result of exposure and not a potential source of superpowers. * If there is a literal Idiot Ball in my world, I will pretend it's my one weakness. Of course being an idiot is a weakness, but the heroes will carry it around this way. * If I really want to guarantee my success in all my diabolical endeavours, I will take three steps to guarantee that the Forces Of Good (and the Viewers) will cheer me on: o I will only select targets who are considerably more villainous or corrupt than I am. This lets me battle a variety of Acceptable Targets and Always Chaotic Evil monsters while still allowing me to get my therapeutic Evil Overlord kicks. o I will either uphold somewhat idealistic enough tendencies to be considered the hero of the situation, or be extremely funny and sexy. o I shall select only sympathetic, funny, and genuinely likable individuals for my lieutenants and trusted underlings. * You know what? Screw all this proper planning and knowledge of what's going to happen. If I'm going to be a villain, I might as well have fun with it. o Screw that. I'll just have fun when I have followed this list, destroyed the heroes, and conquered the world. Then I can torment the population all I want. It's better to have a life of smart villainy than to be dead because I can't plan ahead. o I can plan ahead, I'd just rather ham it up than follow a bunch of laws. Isn't my entire idiom to ignore what other people want? And why am I talking to myself?! o I will plan ahead for the sake of not suffering a Karmic Death. I talk to myself because there is no one else intelligent enough to talk to. o Because I killed those who were? o Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! o Make me. o Alternatively, I will be Genre Blind and Genre Savvy at the same time to throw off my enemies. For example, I'll allow my fortress to turn to rubble only to evacuate to a bigger, sturdier fortress than won't fall down the next time I'm defeated. * I will not underestimate my enemies if they turn out to be little girls, even if they act sickeningly cute or just want to be friends. Hell, especially if they act sickeningly cute and just want to be friends. Such foes will be treated with the utmost care, from the utmost distance, and with the utmost destructive force, such as with a Kill Sat while they sleep. You may think that this is overdoing it, but there are few things more damaging to an overlord's public image of fear and terror than getting beaten to a bloody pulp by prepubescent schoolgirls. o Actually, if they really just want to be friends, I will, with the utmost caution, take them up on their offer. Heroic cute little girls are much less likely to beat their bestest best friend to a bloody pulp than they are the big meanie who tried to Kill Sat them from orbit. Really, Kill Sat from orbit against a little girl? What the hell was I thinking? + There's also the other problem. Dead Japanese schoolgirls tend to become obscenely powerful and angry ghosts who will mess you up. o This all depends on the setting, obviously. If I find that I have eyes the size of grapefruits and enormous hair, then the above-listed warnings will be noted. If not, it's time to kill some kids. * I will not mess with evolution. It's really not worth the problems, and it never helps. * Machiavelli was a dumbass. It is better to be loved than feared. o If I can have both, however, I will. o I will always remember, however, that it is better to be permenant than either. * If I want to kill some character which the hero likes without him trying to avenge his/her/both's/neither's death, I will do the following: "accidentally" create an evil clone of the sidekick, let the evil clone infiltrate the hero's hideout and let him take the place of the sidekick; when the hero has finally found out who is the sidekick and has offed the clone, I will kill the sidekick and explain it by wanting to kill the evil clone, and voila: a hero without a sidekick and without a grudge. Me:2, hero:0. * If it should come to pass that the hero is staring me down and he happens to know my evil plan for any reason, and he ever utters the immortal words "you'll never get away with this", I will not use the popular comeback "I already have" unless I am fairly certain that I actually have. o Incidentally, since there is still a living person in the world who knows of my plan, opposes me, and happens to be within weapon range of myself, odds are I haven't actually gotten away with it yet. * My throne room will not feature a large hole into which I could fall, be thrown, or be pushed. However, other rooms in my lair will feature walkways above menacing vats of what appears to be bright green acid, into which I will jump or "accidentally" fall if I need to escape. These will actually contain water with green food coloring. Won't the heroes be surprised when I show up later, in perfect health (but with green skin)? After all, No One Could Survive That. Suckers. o Just to be safe, said tanks will always have a fully ready scuba tank and breath mask located a few feet beneath the surface. o Better yet, instead of water? Powerade. It comes in bright colors, so I won't have to dye it myself, and chances are after the chase and/or tussle that ended with me falling into a vat in the first place, I could use a nice, cool, refreshing drink that replenishes my energy. * When I've read the Evil Overlord List I will familiarize myself with any other similar lists. That way I'll know what I'm in for when I actually go up against competent opponents. If I discover any good advice in these lists then I will be sure to steal it so that I can make use of it myself. o I will remember that very competent opponents will likely be doing the same thing in reverse. * If the magical ritual I am performing requires a Virgin Sacrifice, using the hero's girlfriend is just asking for trouble. To be on the safe side, I'll find a small child. o Said child will also be an orphan, whom no one cares about. And they will be kidnapped only when absolutely everything else is ready, to ensure a quick success. o And I will also keep in mind that it will fail anyway. o If I am concerned over my approval ratings, want to avoid doing something that'll ensure my Karmic Death or am simply not evil enough, then I'll ask for a volunteer and/or find a loophole that will allow a resurrection. * Slavery is mayhem waiting to happen. Slavery does not loyal citizens make. However, if I offer a small wage and basic heath care plus care for the injured and elderly it will not cost much more but will buy loyalty. o If I ever come to power in a nation that uses slavery, I will first abolish it. Next I will secretly stir up resentment against the former slave population to reduce their employment opportunities. Finally, I will offer the former slaves positions in my military, all the while getting good publicity among other nations who love how I dealt with the horrible slavery problem. This ensures loyalty in the military and a positive place in history even if the heroes take me down. * Never use a prototype unless the real version is ready for mass production. It will only get stolen by the Hero. o I will also make sure not to cut corners in the mass produced models to reduce costs * Terry Pratchett is a wise man. I will study everything I can about Lord Vetinari. It may be better to be loved, or feared, but it is better to be permanent than either. * All cells with windows will not be furnished with bedsheets. Instead, captives will be given sleeping bags. Good luck tying those together. o Alternatively no cells will furnished with windows. There are other ways to use a window. o Better yet, I'll cut out the middle man and Execute him on the spot * No matter what its detrimental effects may be on my war machine, I will be eco-friendly. Killing the planet never ends well. I may awaken ancient nature spirits who give the hero power, or set all the animals in the forest after my blood, or simply have Mother Earth all up in my grille faster than you can say "gas-guzzling SUV", and no-one wants that. Instead, not only will I be environmentally friendly, I will actively seek out and befriend said nature spirits and animals, and send them after the hero. * If I discover a species of Proud Warrior Race Guys threatened by extinction, I will not wipe out what's left of them in order to gain access to their technology and weapons. This would just prompt a lone survivor to swear vengeance against me. Instead, I will help them unconditionally in the hopes that they will swear undying loyalty to me. If they repay this calculated kindness by proclaiming me a weakling and declaring war on me, then I will show them that I am stronger and more ruthless than they are. If they still refuse to follow me then I'll subjugate them with force or wipe them out. At this point it's okay to do so, because they've proven to be Always Chaotic Evil, and no one ever really cares about those. * If I am immune to the hero's attacks, I will make sure that I am also immune to my own. If I cannot ensure this, I will avoid using any attack that could possibly be redirected to hit me. o This is another reason to NOT have big mirrors, as well as the whole vanity thing. * As 116 above demonstrates, any extremely competent Evil Overlord is indistinguishable from an extremely competent Benevolent Ruler. This also applies in reverse. * I will never, I repeat NEVER, use an online list of "Evil Overlord Rules", "Advice for Villains" or any other such variation. A geeky Badass Normal will read it, realise that I'm using it and promptly inform the hero, allowing them to either know my plans in advance, or even worse consult a similar "Vows for Heroes" list and ensure I'm destroyed rather than severely weakened or sealed away. o Wait, then why am I reading this and contributing to it? This is online, isn't it? o When I read evil overlord lists online, I will remember that not every piece of advice is a good one. Like number 120 here. Being Genre Blind when my enemies are Genre Savvy means that I will lose, no matter how great my advantage is. Instead, I will study any such list I come across and if my enemies study the same lists, all the better for me. If that happens I'll be able to predict their responses because we'll both know how these things are done and knowing how he will expect me to act will mean that I can prepare for his expectation by not acting that way. Or by acting that way exactly. Even if my enemy knows everything that I do, I'll still come out on top because of one simple reason. * Defensive systems can be fail-dead (like explode if defeated). Defensive systems MUST be fail-safe (at least for me: local explosion only and only when I'm sufficiently far away). * If a trained monkey can do it, I will let said trained monkey do it so that my minions can do something more important. o I wil make darn sure not to overestimate the strength, reliability, skill, or competency of a monkey. Training human minions is probably more efficient than traing comparatively short-lived and unrelaible primates, so monkey use is likely to be limited. * I will assume that all of my enemies are not left handed, and plan accordingly. o I will not rule out the possibility that some of them are left-handed after all. Holding back when someone else isn't? That's just asking for trouble. * I will find out where Dr. Doom orders his Doombots and stock up. You never know when you'll need a robot stand-in to take a missile or ten. o I will modify said Doombots so they are loyal to me, rather than their previous owner. Unless it voids the warranty or something. o If I cannot modify them thusly, I will return them for a refund. o If I own the store that sells them, I will only allow returns for store credit. + Wow. I really AM evil. * If I find out about an evil being with power greater than my own, I will not attempt to take its power for myself. I will instead make sure the heroes find out about it, and I will do anything I can to help the heroes defeat my rival, short of actually joining the party. Then, when the heroes have defeated this being, the moment I can be sure the coast is clear, I will kill the heroes before they have a chance to recover, in the quickest manner possible. Once that's taken care of, if it is still possible to absorb the super being's power, and if I can be sure it won't take over my body, kill me, or drive me any more insane, I will do so. o Because I can never be too sure, I will first make my most incompetent minion absorb the super being's power. If it doesn't take over his body, kill him, or drive him any more insane, then I'll kill the minion and take the power for myself. If it does, I'll just kill the minion. * The front door of my fortress (or any other building I need guarded) will have three guards--one standing on each side, and one hiding within visible range whose sole job is to send out an alert if anything happens to the first two (or if they even just have to leave the post for something). Resources permitting, all doors worth guarding will have three guards. o Additionally, ten guards will be appointed to the largest, most important-looking door in my fortress. That door will lead to the incinerator. * I will get one of my most loyal followers to disguise as an oracle of some sort and create (or modify, if need be) a prophecy regarding my downfall. Not only will it be a completely useless way to approach me, I'll know what the good guys will be attempting and can thus plan accordingly. o However, I will first make sure that fake prophecies are not subject to Your Mind Makes It Real, Clap Your Hands If You Believe, Theory Of Narrative Causality, or any other effect that would give them the force of real prophecies. o If I'm faking prophecies, I'll make one about an artifact that is my only weakness and can only be taken by the worthy. The artifact will actually be created by me, and its only power will be to kill anyone who touches it. The hero will automatically assume they are worthy and get vaporized. I will also make the artifact not work on me, or at least make it immovable, to avoid a Karmic Death from any hero who catches on. * I will hire an advisor whose sole job will be to criticize my plans and point out their flaws. I will listen to him. o If said advisor claims that my plan is flawless, I will execute him, solely so that the person who gets the job after him can be forced to watch the execution, eyelids held open with duct tape. o If I, on a whim, decide to execute my plan anyway, and it really is flawless, then I'll resurrect him, apologize, and erase everyone's memory of the whole incident. * I will make my doomsday device look like a stuffed animal. Not only will nobody try to stop me from holding my stuffed bear, but should I be stopped it will be given to a hero's child, who will then hug it and cause The End Of The World As We Know It. * Before teaming up with a fellow villain to defeat our common enemy, I will first perform a background check. If said villain's ends are morally repugnant, or his means are idiotic, then I'll just sic the good guys on him. o Actually, screw that. I'll just let him kill the heroes by himself, then kill him and claim the credit. o ...Or I'll just let him take the credit anyway, so when people come to avenge the heroes, they'll thank me rather than killing me. * If I must team up with the heroes to defeat a greater threat, I won't attempt to backstab them during the battle. Instead, I will fake a change of heart and earn the trust of the good guys, in order to discover their secret weaknesses and destroy them from within. * I will keep a pet dog, not a cat. Dogs are better for PR, more affectionate, and more easily trained to attack. o I may also invest in becoming a falconer; birds are much harder to hit, can be used for scouting missions, and are decent in causing my enemies grief in battle. o In no way, though, will I have an exotic animal (of any kind) or Biological Mash Up as a pet; although incredibly deadly and appropriately awe-inspiring, they are still wild animals, and thus, unable to be fully trained and trusted not to eat me at the first chance they get. o With any pet I choose to get, I will not abuse it or cosset it too extravagantly, and I will take it through a thorough obedience course. * I will do the whole "This Cannot Be!" after the heroes have defeated my penultimate boss form. That way, when I sprout a wing or grow really long hair, they will be completely unprepared for my next attack. o Adding a "Psyche!" before I crush the throat of the nearest good guy is optional. o Or...maybe it would be best to just cut my losses and quietly sneak away while they think they've killed me. Beating my first and second forms shows they are pretty good at fighting, and while getting First Strike or even causing a Heroic Sacrifice is nice, I'll heal up and then slam them at the beginning of the sequel after they've given up all their levels and powerups. o Alternately, if the hero manages to get into my castle, I will sneak out the back way, and have a robotic double confront the hero. While they're fighting, I'll seal the room and pump it full of poison gas. o Even better, I'll say that words at the defeat of any and all of my forms. That way, I can whittle them down as they relax and leave themselves open. o Unless said hero has the ability to sense that they didn't finish me off, then, I'll just flee before I waste myself on them, and either drop a cage and release poison gas, or drop a cage and bring in minions in all directions to fire at will(PROVIDED THEY AIM FOR THE FEET! This way, there are no accidental deaths on account of stupidity. Also this will drop the hero so they can aim for the face.) o If a minion is stupid enough to aim straight ahead of him, he will be killed on the spot too avoid a mass murder-suicide chain. Then, they will be ordered to leave, and thousands of large bladed weapons will be dropped with enough speed and/or mass to pierce into the cage and kill the hero. * If the heroes have the ability to "save" their progress at specific points, I will assign a special force to find these points and destroy them. o Alternatively, I'll use these points to save my progress repeatedly. Won't the heroes be surprised when I predict all of their moves? I'll also be prepared for this to take a long time but for some reason, most heroes have the attention spans of teenagers. * I will drive a car of the same make as the heroes. I will avoid traveling in any vehicle between two and thirty years old. In fact, I'll just consult with major Hollywood stuntmen about which type of car they LEAST like to work with, and get one of those. o On second thoughts, maybe I'll spare 5 minutes to ask why said stuntmen dislike said type of car. The answer might be important. * I will remember that Ominous Latin Chanting is never obsolete, no matter the setting or era. o I will under absolutely no circumstances ever dance to Ominous Latin Chanting. Ominous Latin Chanting is exclusively for killing things to. Killing things and paperwork. o If I feel the need to dance, there's nothing better than Jimmy Rushing. o If the resident Mad Artist also composes music when he's not busy splattering entrails across a canvas, then I'll ask him to create something original designed especially for me. o If I dislike what he composes, I'll either learn to live with it or shoot him immediately. o If it's Disco, then I'll figure out something worse than shooting. I will figure it out quickly, mind you. * Instead of killing minions when they're so successful I don't have anything left for them to do, I will either give them some vacation time or come up with some busy work for them, and call on them again later. After all, I know these guys can get results, so why not keep 'em around a bit? * If my Second-in-Command asks me: "Why don't you just kill everything?" then it's probably a good idea to start searching for a new Second-in-Command. o Unless I think that sounds like a good idea. o In the event that it does sound like a good idea, I'll make sure that my Second-in-Command is the first one I kill. * Not only will I not build man-sized ventilation shafts, I will not build any ledges, back corridors, ladders, or anything else that serves no obvious structural, artistic, or architectural purpose, and seems solely to exist to give the heroes an (alternate) path. o Relatedly, if entry to my Evil Lair can only be done by defeating my nine lieutenants and getting their shiny objects, who each have a dungeon of their own, then I will make sure that the one item required to defeat said lieutenants is not in their own dungeons. Also, the key to the indestructible door leading to my Inner Sanctum will be kept on my person at all times. o In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Double Jump. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. Think about it. o Better yet, to insure against Sequence Breaking - In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Double Jump. o Best yet, I will take possession of the Grappling Hook and Double Jump, thus powering up myself rather than the hero. If I cannot do so, I will destroy them. Heroes are resourceful buggers and will find a way to get every powerup possible -- the only solution is to not leave them any to get. o Back to the vents. If I really do need wide ventilation shafts for some reason, they will be kept superheated, and full of spikes, various Death Traps, and lava guns. Also, all exit points from the vent will be located just above the pit full of dinosaurs. o All of the dinosaurs will have their histories checked. Nothing is worse than finding out that your dinosaurs refuse to eat the hero because he once removed a thorn from their foot. Except maybe finding out that the cool spiky ones are actually herbivores. o I will also build all the vents out of an extremely conductive metal, and constantly run extremely high voltage through them. They will be insulated from the outside, and if maintenance is required, those doing the work must first submit a request to the control center to temporarily disable the current while the work is being done. Anyone who doesn't do so is Too Dumb To Live. * I will read the Fake Difficulty and Unwinnable sections carefully and implement everything. o Except for the Escort Mission. After all, Even Evil Has Standards. o Actually, screw that, the Escort Mission stays, but I'll make sure the hero isn't escorting anyone who'll actually be of any use to him later on. o Or he'll escort a shapeshifting minion. Or the the hostage has a tracker implanted into their body. Or better yet: a bomb. o No, that's been tried and it never works. I'll just make him escort a very beautiful woman who has no interest in being an adventurer. Either she'll cause friction with the Love Interest and blunt The Power Of Love a bit, or she'll become the Love Interest and start nagging the Hero to get a safer job. Either way, I win. * Even if it grants me great power and freedom, I will not build or use a device that can digitize my brain and let me loose in cyberspace/transfer me to a robot. o If I am forced into a position where such a thing becomes necessary, I will ensure that I first take a Masters course in robotics and computer programming, as well as full A+ and C++ certification; being a digital god means nothing if you don't have the proper firewalls, anti-viral programs and encryptions, after all. o I will also make a backup copy. I will also take many steps to make sure that the backup only exists on a locked network, and will not be transferred out of it unless the original is deleted. I don't want a digital clone trying to kill me or anything. * If and when I finally become lord of my desired domain, and I wish to expand my empire, I will not randomly pick out a country and attack it blindly; instead, I will study each of my options carefully, learning everything about them as I can, then pick out the ones that would most benefit me in its subjugation and open up diplomatic and trade negotiations with them. Once I have used those negotiations to undermine their economy and political standing, and make them dependent on my exports to live, I will quietly annex them into the empire. o This will be easier to do if said exports involve mostly Wal-Marts and Starbucks. o I will also keep in mind the power of propaganda, and have the state-run media smear my intended target for as long as it takes until the people are begging me to conquer them. o Maybe I should look into getting a cat after all. Possibly several. Not only will they kill the vermin and present me with the tiny corpses, but kitty cat cuteness wil help relieve stress among Mooks. o Wait, that d**n Friend To All Living Things will still have an out. Okay, along with the cats, I'll get a pit bull. Solves the cat problem, and a pit bull is nobody's friend. I will keep him chained, but well-fed. I know he won't be my friend, but I don't want him killing me first. o Alternatively, my cats will be Affably Evil, and rub up against my captive's legs purring but not be the least bit helpful. In other words, my cats will act like cats, and certainly they'd be less of a threat should the Friend To All Living Things turn them against me than a pit bull. o As a third option, perhaps I should consider small, nonvenomous snakes. Good for evil cred, actually kinda cute, far less likely to hold a grudge than a pit bull, and the average Friend To All Living Things won't touch 'em. + However, I will still look into having a pet cat or dog, just in case that crafty hero's pet is a mongoose. * I will invest in natural, renewable resources to power my evil factories and machines. Smoke-billowing industrial wastelands may be appropriate, but even I'm not immune to the health hazards their pollution causes, and it's far easier to just build another set of solar batteries or wind generators than to find another source of plutonium or coal. o Obviously, this does not apply if my armies and I aren't alive anymore. Then I can cover the entire planet in a cloud of smoke and ashes, killing all life on the surface, without being affected myself. And if I need more living for Virgin Sacrifices, food or just to bolster the ranks of my army of the dead, then there are always other sources of life. o Actually, in that case, I'll set up several "meat farms" to regulate the fleshies we'll need for those purposes; no telling what kind of techniques other societies outside my circle have to take out the undead. o That said, I will make sure the farms limit the number of meat-bags alive at any given time, are properly supervised, and are divided into small groups (in as much as possible). This is just asking for a noble hero to rise up and start a rebellion among the oppressed. Perhaps I'll just develop some kind of cloning/rapid maturation process instead. No rule says that a human in a vegetative state can't be sacrificed. o Similarly, I will not build any machine that is fueled by an incredibly rare or one-of-a-kind material or artifact; it took me years to get what I have, now, and I won't squander it away on some easily-stopped Doomsday Machine. o Unless I already have it on-hand and don't have anything better to do with it. o And even then, I'll first make sure that I can't modify it to accept an alternate power source, or for a use that wouldn't be of as much interest to the heroes. o Hell, if I do end up coming across any Unobtainium, instead of immediately building a machine that uses it as a power source, I'll first thoroughly study it to see if I can't synthesize it. If it turns out I cannot, I'll destroy the Unobtainium immediately to keep it from being used against me. o Or I'll use it to create a bomb. Because if I'm going to destroy it anyway, why not get some use out of it as well? o Said bomb will be rigged with as many ways as possible to ensure that it detonates. We're talking about a missile that has twelve remotes and eight timers in case it fails to detonate on impact. Try defusing and reverse-engineering that, wise guy. * I will hire a team of crack forensic scientists and crime scene cleanup personnel to advise me on how to cover my tracks and plant convincingly fake evidence implicating someone else of my latest evil scheme. o If I "own" the police, I will also make sure I "own" their forensic scientists and cleanup crew, not only for the above, but also to ensure the properly wrong people are prosecuted for my misdeeds. o And I'm gonna make d**n sure I own the fire department, and possibly poison control as well. * As part of my effort to stay an Equal Opportunity Evil Overlord, I will not be repulsed by or deny admittance into my squad for the unusual quirks or beliefs of potential henchmen/allies, no matter how socially/morally disturbing. However, unless they would prove useful in my latest scheme, I must insist that they practice said quirks/beliefs during their own free time and not on duty, and to be respectful of those of everyone else under my thrall. After all, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone I don't want hurt, I see no reason why my cannibalistic, necrophiliac Satan-worshiping underling can't brush up on his rituals of the flesh in his quarters, and it would be hypocritical and unbecoming of me to refuse him that privilege while I'm ensuring Fluffy The Terrible has his daily meal of fresh peasants. o However, I will maintain plausible deniability at all times, both for me and my lieutenants, and begin training a replacement if it looks like a meddling hero will soon come to "remove" him from my service. I may even punish him first if I am looking to gain the hero's good graces for later. o Alternatively, if I really do have standards then this is what I tell them in order to gather all the scum in one place. And if I can't think of anything to do with a whole bunch of people that no one will actually miss, then I need to learn how to do my job better. * If I come into an incredible source of power or technology that can be internalized, I will not use it immediately to transform myself into a god. Instead, I will take it back to my lab and have it analyzed thoroughly for any potential harmful side effects that could jeopardize my sanity, health, or standing, then find countermeasures to them, if any. If it turns out I cannot counteract the negative side effects, or there are too many to counteract, I will destroy it immediately. Under no circumstance shall I leave it for my enemies to find; even if it takes out one or all of them with its corrupting influence, chances are they'll be able to use it to take me out, first. o These things make great presents for a trustworthy-but-inept mook, though. o No. Not even then. When With Great Power Comes Great Insanity, all bets are off. o Yes, then. I will just put a bomb in the mook's head beforehand. If he shows any ill effects, I will detonate the bomb while the ascension is still in its early, vulnerable stages. Should that fail, I will just go running to the Hero and make him clean up my problem. * I will not be a Slave To PR; how I will act and appear before the public eye will be based solely on how such action would be the most beneficial to my plans at the time. Not only will this leave me open to myriad more options to achieve my goals than usual, it'll also confuse the hell out of my PR-shackled enemies and rivals, preventing them from predicting my next course of action and rallying a revolt against me among the (most likely equally confuddled) masses. o I will still include the benefits of being a Villain With Good Publicity into any cost-benefit calculations I make, though. o I'll also keep in mind that my enemies and rivals will still most likely be bound by PR, and will use that to my advantage whenever possible, unless such exploitation will disrupt my schemes or undermine any PR benefits I might get. o I will, however, keep in mind that the average Anti Hero doesn't care about PR. * Any giant robot I send after the heroes will have a giant red eye on the part of its body furthest from any kind of critical system. o Alternatively, the robot and anything else I want to look ominous wil be covered in Glowing Eyes Of Doom, with Eye Beams optional. Said eyes will be a mix of colors. That oughta be good for a Mind Screw or two. o I will also equip the robot with an internal bomb rigged to go off if any critical system stops functioning. I will keep the prototypes and unused robots in armored containers in a special facility far from the base just in case a bomb malfunctions. * If I have a system of teleporters between my evil lairs, they will have surveillance systems. If someone unauthorised steps in them, they'll get a nice one way ticket to the surface of the sun. o Naturally, the surveillance systems will be immune to hacking, so it is never me that is sent to the sun. o I might reconsider if I am in a setting where something like that might actually work. o Leasing, renting or bartering for the power of a God, on the other hand, are all viable options, assuming I can find a trustworthy God amenable to the idea. o I will remember than any God amenable to the idea of giving me power is probably about as far away from trustworthy as you can get. I will instead devote my resources to figuring out how to ascend on my own merits. * I will never possess someone, especially not the hero's best friend. It always ends poorly. o If I lose my body and have to possess somebody, I will go somebody who doesn't have friends who will notice something odd and help him kick me out. o If I'm picking who to possess, someone who's already evil is a good choice. o But I'll make sure he's not Eviler Than Me. * If I have the hero cornered, I will not hesitate to tell him or her the exact and complete details of my evil plan, up to and including pointing to a door behind which the most important and delicate part of my plan lies. Let's face it; with today's spy technology, computer hackers, and sneaky heroes, it's almost certain that they're going to be aware of the general gist of the situation. I will, however, neglect to tell them that the most important and delicate part of my plan includes the team of heroes vaporizing themselves when they try to turn off or destroy my oversized lava lamp "force field generator". * All ceremonies celebrating my ascent to godhood, marriage to the brainwashed princess, or assumption of a powerful magical artifact will take place after I've actually done so. Preferably by several months. * If my plans keep failing beyond my tolerance, I will cheat. Who says only the heroes can Game Shark and Godmode their way past annoying obstacles? o If cheating is impossible, I will quit, turn good, and throw the entire might of my vast empire behind the heroes. Once I join their ranks, I should be able to find out what makes them unbeatable and either take its power or at least neutralize it. Then it's time to go evil again. o If that is impossible, I will remember that (if I've done this at all right until now) I'm immortal and they're not, and I will simply wait 80 years. Nobody's going to expect a sneak attack after I've been a beloved figure of good for two generations, and anyone who could have stopped me will either be dead or infirm. * Before making a wish with a genie, witch, etc., I will make sure I have the following on standby: an English dictionary, an Ancient Sumerian dictionary, a lucky charm, a decoder, a supercomputer, a law firm, a small platoon of soldiers, a truckload of lucky charms (with the truck made of horseshoes), a translator, a time machine, a private hospital, a flashlight, a first-aid kit, a wizard, a Bunsen burner, a bunker, a nuclear submarine, a resurrection machine, spare batteries, a bunch of solar collectors and a copy of the script. o If I can successfully assemble all these aids and assistants, I will (politely!) tell the entity offering the wish "thanks but no thanks", as the collective power they give me will let me grant myself any wish I might have. o On the off chance I find a good genie, I will free him. That way he won't be available for the heroes. o Actually, before I free him, I will wish for him to never directly or indirectly help anyone harm or defeat me, ever. Only with that in place (in writing, I think) will I then free him. o If I find a truly evil genie (as opposed to a Literal Genie or one who is good but forced to obey), I will find a random cave with no Death Traps, put the lamp in it (on an altar so it looks important and can't be missed), and then bribe the local government to rename it "The Ancient Cave of Wonders". Make sure the heroes know about it and find it, and then just wait for my problems to solve themselves. o In any situation where a number of wishes are granted for me, I will use all the wishes immediately, so as to avoid making accidental wishes with negative consequences. In the event that I have fewer wishes prepared than the number offered, I will make my wishes and then say "I wish for this statement to be a wish" repeatedly until my wishes are expended. * I will not leave keys, weapons and medical supplies lying around my base for the heroes to find and use. That's just stupid. o However, I will make sure I have adequate medical supplies on hand for my own use. o Alternatively, I will leave these things lying around. The keys will unlock doors that lead into traps, the weapons will be sabotaged in the most dangerous way possible, and the medical supplies will be poisoned. My henchmen will be advised of this upon hiring. Those who forget and subsequently die were Too Dumb To Live anyways. * If any of my underlings proposes their own plan to destroy the heroes/conquer the planet/etc., they will be instructed to take their proposal to a crack R&D team; that team in turn will be instructed only to outright reject proposals that, after all reasonable fine-tuning to them has been exhausted, are simply too costly or unreliable compared to the possible advantage gained. I will of course have the final say on which proposals will be accepted or not, but creativity and refinement will be emphasized with all plans submitted. At the very least, the illusion given that I actually care about my minions' little pet projects will keep them from turning against me in an attempt to prove "it'll really work, honest". o If one if these schemes is good enough to implement, the minion behind it will be right there by my side while it's carried out, and receive full credit for their idea. Not only will it encourage further innovation among the ranks, but it'll paint him as the target instead of me when someone comes to thwart the scheme and keep me from looking like a General Failure if the plan goes to hell in a hand-basket. * Rather than fostering dissension in the ranks to distract a minion who might try to dispose of me, I will encourage a strong sense of camaraderie amongst my legions of terror, especially my Quirky Miniboss Squad. Won't the heroes be surprised when a posse ten thousand strong puts The Power Of Friendship on my side? o Similarly, I will encourage Minion Shipping, and even be open to advances from my subordinates. Not only will it bring us The Power Of Love, but it'll also keep me from even being tempted to try seducing the hero's significant other. After all, the Dark Action Girl has more to offer me, and trying to keep up with her is more fun anyhow. o I will, however, remember that although eternal love and devotion are nice, they are not the same as eternal loyalty. o Unless you do it right. # Whenever possible, I should be in a position where I don't have to cover anything up, but if I absolutely have to kill someone in order to cover something up, then overkill is the way to go. So, Mister Great Detective, how do you plan to recover the briefcase from the embassy when it, your informant, the city the embassy was in, and vast areas of the surrounding landscape are all radioactive ash?
* I will also recall how the mafia does this, and put someone else in charge of the coverup, and then kill him when the first phase of killings is completed. If I have enough expendable minions, I will put at least five cutout layers of killings to cover up the killings to cover up between myself and what I wanted covered up to start with.
# If I need to thwart the hero's progress, I will place before him obstacles which are inherently obstacle-like. If I have the power to turn soup cans into an effective barrier to the hero's progress, frankly, I'm wasting my talents. And besides, do I really want to be the kind of villain who thwarts the hero's progress with Soup Cans?
* Alternatively, I'll use obstacles that are bafflingly un-obstacle-like when possible. They'll thwart the hero's progress longer if he can't tell they're thwarting his progress.
# If I am the ruler of my own country, planet or solar system, then I will make sure that my military is loyal to me and competent enough to avoid certain mistakes common in fiction.
* Obviously, this loyalty and competence will extend to all branches of government, business, science, organized crime and media.
# I will remember that new media is not (inherently) evil.
* If I need to, I can make new media evil. * That'll happen on its own. * Also, I will keep a blog to share my personal opinions on matters. It's good for PR. * Unless I'm deliberately going to a Zero Percent Approval Rating, I should get a blog anyway. You cannot understate its value. * Note to self: vilify (or at least discredit) those without blogs for being "behind the times."
# I will periodically send I disagreeassins to kill random conspiracy nuts in suspicious-looking ways. There is little danger that they will find out about my plans and no one would have believed them anyway, but the heroes will be convinced that they were killed for what they knew and will get so wrapped up in trying to foil my diabolical plan to give all trees epilepsy that my real plans will go unchallenged. Plus it gives I disagreeassins something to do.
* I will double-check the tinfoil hat theories before killing the tinfoil hatter that came up with them. If it's not something I want people to believe, has nothing to do with me, or seems like something I might want to implement in the near future, the crazy guy lives. * Actually, in that case, the crazy guy gets hired. It's important to think outside the box. * I won't overdo it on this, otherwise people will know I'm just screwing with them. * Alternatively, I'll overdo this constantly, to the point that nobody so much as blinks when the resident crazy guy is suddenly dropped by a sniper bullet. This will make it much easier to kill the people who have actually stumbled onto something important.
# Explosive gas containers will be stored within metal cages as OSHA standards would require. # I will not, however stress-relieving it is, practice my golf driving shot with puppies.
* This extends to all possible interpretations of the phrase. The puppies will not be the ball, the clubs, offering advice, or even present. Dogs are under no circumstances allowed on my fairways. o I will, however, use cats if I do not like said animal, because no one cares about the cat.
# My henchmen will work in groups of three or five, never four. # I will fulfill my end of all contracts, in full, as soon as promised. Even though it might be fun to alter deals halfway through, that's just begging the other party to perform a Heel Face Turn.
* I will never promise to uphold my end of the deal before the other party upholds theirs. Just because I want repeat customers doesn't mean I can trust everyone else.
# If I am in a heavily idealistic series/movies/whatever and the heroes suddenly start forming a circle and singing, I will order my troops to retreat immediately. I will then use the time they're singing to put the snipers in place (preferably robot snipers immune to The Power Of Friendship). Then I'll turn it into a realistic series by immediately killing everyone. # When adding to an Evil Overlord List, I will make simple flaws in my suggestions. Those Genre Savvy enough to spot the mistake and edit it will either be chosen for addition to my forces or killed immediately. See rule 4.4 near the top of this list for an example of this. # When naming my children I'll pay close attention to the meaning of the name. I wouldn't want to give them a positive prophetic name and having them end up helping to defeat me.
* Neither should I name them after anyone who betrayed or killed either/both of their parents. Mordred? Bad idea. * Also, if my significant other insists on Theme Naming, I'll make sure they're all included.
# If I have a lieutenant who is completely loyal to me, believing me to be on the good side despite the heroes' assurances that I am actually evil, I will not decide it is a good idea to notify them of the fact that I have secretly hated them for as long as I've known them.
* I will also begin seducing the lieutenant into turning evil himself, so that I can quit with the "I'm really good" act. If this fails, I will just kill the lieutenant -- having to lie to your trusted underlings sorta undercuts the whole point of them being trusted in the first place.
# I will not attempt to "steal Christmas". Or Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Boxing Day, Setsubun or any other holiday widely observed by the people. There is no way it can end well. I will instead make myself well known for doing highly generous, festive and visibile acts in addition to paying proper respect to all socio-religious celebrations.
* Halloween, though, is mine. After all, I have all the monsters.
# My mad scientists will be instructed to keep detailed notes, reports, and day books, which will be regularly backed up. Multiple backups will be stored at various locations around my sphere of influence, in every format from dead tree to external hard drives.
* Due to all of the backups making it possibly easier for the plans to be stolen, I will take all necessary precautions to keep them secret; for starters, they won't be left unlocked on a table when no one is around. * All backups will be regularly checked by well-paid and loyal security guards, and anyone wishing to transport or utilize them will have to be authorized beforehand. Any instance where the backup has gone missing will be reported immediately. All backups will also be rigged with remotely-detonated bombs which will be immediately triggered if they go missing. * If at all feasible, I have have Doomsday Device Version 0.9 started up five minutes after Doomsday Device Verion 1.0. Due to the fact that they will be kept in completely different facilities, my evil plans will have a fair chance of success even if the heroes somehow manage to stop me at the last second. In fact, if I have time, I will make and use Version 1.1 for my main plan and have Verion 1.0 as my backup.
# My base of operations will not have a website. The only computers in my base with Internet access will be on a completely separate network to the main ones, and will not be 'net compatible.
* My mad scientists will also be tasked with creating a completely proprietary OS for the computers, to prevent any on-site hacking.
# My robots will be intelligent enough to point out flaws in my plans, fall back if an operation becomes impossible, and improvise new plans on the fly. Their programming will specifically forbid acting against me, valuing their own lives above the mission, and any philosophical thought.
* The Three Laws of Evil Robotics:
1) A robot may not injure the Evil Overlord, or through inaction allow the Evil Overlord or his plans to come to harm. 2) A robot must obey orders given to it by the Evil Overlord and his lieutenants, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. 3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. # I will always send my Amazon Brigade to defeat male enemies. # All shipments will be blasted with gamma rays immediately upon entering my base.
* Unless gamma rays actually activate the hero's powers somehow. o If such is the case, I'll simply put a bullet or 10 in it. That way, I'll still kill the hero without making my supplies unusable. o Instead of putting bullets inside valuable equipment I'll just higher someone with X-Ray Vision to inspect packages.
# Vampires will not be placed in positions of power. I can do quite well without all that Wangst, thank you very much. Also, minions who die if they go outside during the day are pretty useless. # My jail cells will be sealed by thick reinforced metal bars, not energy fields that can be deactivated by pulling the plug.
* Actually, if I do have access to energy field cells, I'll just make sure they have metal bars as a backup containment method. Energy fields are harder for a hero with Super Strength, Voluntary Shapeshifting, or other miscellaneous abilities to get through. * My most powerful enemies will have jail cells designed specifically to keep them imprisoned. Badass Normal? A glass cage in the cold vacuum of space. Reality Warper? An Alternate Universe where their powers doesn't work. Physical God? Inside a cage designed to suppress their powers inside a sun. * Okay, forget that "My most powerful enemies". Make that "All my enemies" instead. It's not like I don't have the resources for it. * Before deploying these traps, I will make sure the heroes have not obtained any new powers since I saw them last. If they have, I will redesign the cell to account for the new powers, too. * Jail cells? Why Dont Ya Just Shoot Him?
# My space stations and orbiting weapons will be assembled in space and will not be equipped with heat shields. That way, if the hero attempts a Colony Drop, the satellite will burn up in the atmosphere long before they hit my base. # If I send multiple bounty hunters after the hero, I will not make them compete with each other. Instead, I will offer to pay them each the full value of the bounty if they bring the target in together.
* I will also mention that the reward will be doubled/tripled for each if each bounty hunter returns alive, and stays alive for a safe period of time to avoid them turning on each other to steal the others money or because of personal reasons. * To be on the safe side, I will also have at least a working knowledge of Twister, Battleship, Yahtzee and other contemporary games.
# I will use lie detectors during interrogation.
* But only if I have access to magical and/or futuristic lie detectors that actually work. There's a reason why polygraph readings aren't admissible in court. * In addition, if any minions start to show Bauer-esque tendencies, I will demote them and replace them with actual intelligence operatives.
# I will not set my base to self-destruct upon my defeat; such sites are notoriously difficult and expensive to locate and build, and it's easier to just take it over again should it be captured, besides. I will, however, set all my equipment to short out and set controllable fires to destroy any projects I am currently working on, to make sure my enemies don't get their hands on them after forcing me out of my lair.
* Of course, I will also make sure that all data and backups for any plans in the works are saved in other locations, so I won't have to start from scratch with each defeat.
# If I develop a seemingly flawless plan, only for it to be foiled by the hero at the last second through a million-to-one stroke of luck, I will i
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Aug 9, 2008 18:46:44 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 9, 2008 18:46:44 GMT -8
# If I develop a seemingly flawless plan, only for it to be foiled by the hero at the last second through a million-to-one stroke of luck, I will immediately start work on reusing the same plan. The odds of that trick working twice are a trillion to one.
* cough statistics cough
# If I have the ability to teleport anywhere, at will, I will wait until the hero is asleep, and then teleport to right beside him and kill him. I will not think that this is dishonorable. I'm evil, for pete's sake, why on earth would I care about honor?
* Naturally, I will scry the place first by whatever means available so that I know what I'm stepping into. If appropriate, I will also cast/have underlings cast on me any and all buff spells that could possibly be of help. * My lair in turn will be warded against both scrying and teleport, so that munchkins cannot turn my own tactics against me. If possible, the scrying ward will project realistic but entirely false images to distant observers and the teleport ward will dispel the buffs on all intruders before shunting them into a suitable death trap. o If I really do care that much about honor, I will wait for him to wake up, and when he sees me, I'll kill him then. * Wait... if I am so evil, why am I using the expression [[Bowdlerise "for pete's sake"]]? What a wussy villain I must be...
# If I capture two of the hero's closest companions and force him to choose which one to save, I will not actually show him his two companions. Instead, I will disguise two of my henchmen as the hero's choices, so that when he inevitably saves them both, he'll be killed by the two henchmen he just "saved".
* I'll make sure both of them are watching from a safe distance in case he only saves one of the impostors. * If he doesn't save either of them, I'll get an explanation out of him. Heroes have the same urge to explain how they do what they do for no good reason that we do, so while he's yapping, I'll just kill him. * If the hero is perceptive enough to see through such an obvious ploy, I will use the real deal as hostages, however I will make sure to use two deathtraps on each; one to kill the victim (which I will announce to the hero), and one to kill the hero once he saves the victim (which will be NOT be hinted at) * Too late. You just did. * Wait, scratch all that. I will NOT EVER do this. I will, instead, simply kill both the companions outright. If it's at all possible to send the hero into a Heroic BSOD, I will make their deaths as brutal as it takes to do so, and let the hero find out. If not, I will constantly dangle the hope that their companions are alive and well somewhere and just waiting to be rescued by the hero. o I will not, however, kill them myself or ever allow the hero to find out about them while I'm anywhere in a 100-mile radius from the hero; I'll use a remote-controlled robot duplicate. The inevitable Unstoppable Rage could be very hazardous to my health. And if the hero's legendary power upgrade can be triggered by the death of a loved one then this is straight out.
# If I employ a team of Muggle laborers to build some device that, unbeknownst to them, is crucial to my plans, I will have a reasonable idea of how fast I can expect them to work. If the foreman tells me it is impossible to finish within the specified time frame, I will listen and adjust my plans accordingly. Having him killed will not make the work go any faster, and suspicious deaths will only attract the heroes to come investigate. # When taking over the world I will leave it to licensed professionals when using a Laser of Death, Doom, and Destruction. There are good reasons why I hired all those scientists to build my big, dangerous, and complex weapon. Mostly because it is big, it is dangerous, and it is complex. # If the heroes have the power to undo some of my plans, I will just do them over and over again. It will keep them busy, and it will be a nice way to pass the time. # If the hero begs me to stop my Evil Plan before it's too late, then I will listen to him and seriously consider the merits of his offer. Sure, Taking Over The World would be nice, but he might know something I don't. # I will not make a Deal With The Devil. Ever. If I ever am in the position where Satan approaches me with an offer I think sounds good, then I will carefully review the chain of events which led me to that situation.
* If I am the Devil or otherwise a mystical creature who likes screwing people over with deals; once in a blue moon; I'll let someone insignificant "win." Maybe I'll pretend to lose, or maybe it'll just be a straight out "honest" exchange. Then I'll make certain that word of this incident gets out. Why? Because it works for casinos and lotteries. Far more souls will be willing to risk it than if every deal I ever make goes sour. o As an added bonus, it will drive the Forces of Light crazy trying to find the "catch."
# I will make sure that I'm Dangerously Genre Savvy. Though if I'm reading or using this list, I already am.
* I will also watch for it in my minions. The ones who aren't are more likely to be incompetent, but the ones who are, are most likely looking to take my place.
# If I am immortal, then I have absolutely no excuse for not learning martial arts and sword fighting.
* I should learn them anyway. * I should probably make sure I know how to properly aim a gun while I'm at it.
# I will not maintain Medieval Stasis when I come to power; I will encourage the march forward with technology.
* On a related note, I will research Psychic Powers, Functional Magic, and Ki Attacks to surprise any heroes with. Let's see them cope with an unexpected Genre Shift from High School Drama to Dungeon Punk!
# I will not wield any gun or sword in any combination as my primary weapon. My primary weapon will always be land mines. The gun/sword is a backup.
* If land mines are not available, I will either invent them or find a substitute. * Tac Nukes are not a substitute. At least, not for personal combat. * Actually, if I'm ever in personal combat, running away and leaving things to various minions is probably the best tactic of all. * Should this fail, I will have a team of snipers ready to fire.
# As cool as it might seem to have the power to fly or shoot energy blasts out of my hand, given a choice, I will always spring for one or more of the following: immortality, invulnerability, regeneration, precognition, clairvoyance, or supergenius-level intelligence. If I'm really that concerned about it, I'll just use my superhuman intellect to build a jetpack and an energy rifle.
* Similarly, if three goddesses want me to pick which one of them is the most beautiful, each one trying to bribe me with her personal blessing, one offering to make me a great King, the second offering me the love of the most beautiful woman in the world and the third offering me great wisdom and skill in war, then I'll choose great wisdom and skill in war. That way I can carve out my own kingdom and if I still want the most beautiful woman in the world, then I can just conquer the place she lives in and ask her to marry me. All chicks dig power and wealth, right?
# I will never execute one of my generals for failing to win a single battle despite his best efforts. After all, people make mistakes, and if he didn't consistently deliver results, I wouldn't have promoted him in the first place.
* The punishment for failure in my minions shall be demotion or dismissal, not execution. As said before, people make mistakes, and killing does not inspire loyalty or encourage new recruits to join. * In a similar vein, my minions shall receive: a good pension plan, health benefits, two weeks of paid vacation time per year, and a good salary. This inspires loyalty and it encourages people to join if the job is a good one.
# If a trained monkey can do it, I will let said trained monkey do it so that my minions can do something more important.
* I will make darn sure not to overestimate the strength, reliability, skill, or competency of a monkey. Training human minions is probably more efficient than training comparatively short-lived and unreliable primates, so monkey use is likely to be limited.
# I will never, I repeat NEVER, use an online list of "Evil Overlord Rules", "Advice for Villains" or any other such variation. A geeky Badass Normal will read it, realise that I'm using it and promptly inform the hero, allowing them to either know my plans in advance, or even worse consult a similar "Vows for Heroes" list and ensure I'm destroyed rather than severely weakened or sealed away.
* Forget that, a Genre Savviness arms race could be dangerous, but being Genre Blind when my opponents aren't would be deadly. Instead, I will read all the "Vows for Heroes" lists and confound my foes by doing something they'd never suspect. Or something they'd immediately expect. o I will also randomly switch between these, so as to further confuse my adversary. o I will also keep in mind that use of said publicly available list of advice leaves all manner of possibility for the use of Xanatos Gambits relating to whichever trope I'm actually using. However, I will also be aware of the possibility of a Thirty Xanatos Pileup resulting from this.
# I will not leave clues for the hero that will eventually lead to my demise. If I do, I will make sure they are false clues, to throw the hero off my trail.
* In case the hero is not fooled, said false clues will not be the exact opposite of what I want the hero to do, rather than that they will be on two ends of a spectrum of choices which will favour me and have as little as possible to do with anything that could favour the hero (although not so little as to indicate what this is by its absense).
# As an alternative measure for rule 88, I will send the same group that failed me again and again. Since they didn't die the first time, I'd rather have those incompetent fools suffer The Worf Effect instead of my competent underlings. # I will not brainwash any captured heroes into turning on their friends, they'll always break free in time to stop me. If I can catch any of them, I'm just going to shoot the guy and be content with one hero killed. # Should my enemies live in an area I want to take over, I will take over EVERY AREA the heroes do NOT live in, then take over the area they do live in. # I will subtly encourage my evil rivals to avail themselves of Rule 64. After all, a good psychiatrist will refuse to treat them, and if they go to an evil psychiatrist, they have handed a convenient master list of all their weaknesses and phobias to someone who will sell it to the highest bidder. As a corollary, I will bid high (keeping in mind the possibility that the evil psychiatrist may be planning a double-cross). # If I hear about a prophecy or prophecies that state that a child will be born in a certain place with a birthmark or some other sign who will bring about my downfall, I will not immediately send troops to kill the child and its entire family. Instead, I will wait until the child is about five, while keeping it under surveillance, and then have it kidnapped and killed. Once this is done, I will bury the body in a careful location so the body does not get eaten by wild beasts, resurrected by the good guys or wash up on some foreign shore. And for everyone's sake, I will make sure that the child is actually dead, instead if just stabbing it once or suffocating it. Bullets are very helpful, especially fifty-fold.
* Then again, since even at that age, it's a risk, I will instead do what I can to make sure the child has a content and happy life. If this child grows up to be a hero anyway, I'll make sure I've already followed the rules about good PR among the populace, so that the hero has less reason to think I need to be overthrown. If that doesn't work, I'll realize I'm in a You Cant Fight Fate story. * In fact, if I hear about a prophecy at all, I will have my scholars study it and present me with the information. Then I will make sure that I do not do anything the prophecy says I will.
# If some extremely important and powerful foreigners come into my land/s, I will not threaten to take them hostage in my capital while I find and kill the person they were after, ZAKATH. Especially if the person they were after is my enemy too. Instead, I will give them help with their quest, and ship them out of my lands ASAP. After all, "power" is only good when I have it.
* I will, however, send a squad of minions with them, so they can't just leave the country without telling me where they found said person.
# If I am aspiring to take over the world, or at least the known world, and I am informed that there is/are a person/s that can stop me if I do so, I will not kill the person who told me this and send out my entire force to kill the person/s. Instead, I will make sure that they cannot know about my plans and/or conquests until it is too late to stop me. # If I can't replicate it, I can't fix it. If I can't fix it, I can't control it. If I can't control it, I will not use it. # When designing my fortress/fort/castle, I will not choose a Gothic design on a mountaintop in brooding, dark stone with too many towers and the occasional eagle. And it won't be surrounded by lava. Instead, I will design it somewhat in the manner of Castle Floret: on a raised hill surrounded by a moat, with a big heavy drawbridge. Also, the castle will be designed for height rather than length, and I will place the prison/gaol/dungeons right at the top.
* I will always make sure that any door that needs to remain locked will have at least three locks, which cannot be picked. Also, the hinges will be placed on the outside, NOT the inside. o In fact, before throwing anyone into my dungeons/gaol/prison, I will have them stripped and searched, and put into the minimum amount of clothing it will take to keep them warm. The cloth will not be durable or strong, so they can't use it for a rope. Even if they are very old/venerable/respected, I will not leave any personal effects, especially not medals. Also, window bars will be hammered onto the outside, not the inside.
# If any of my towns/cities/forts, etc are to be outfitted for defense against armies, including big heavy walls, I will have them buttressed from both the outside and the inside, in order to prevent an inside job. # I will not sexually harass the princess I've captured. When I am inevitably caught red handed by the hero, he'll just be that more pissed off because he hasn't got that far with her. # When engaging in warfare with whatever army the hero has assembled, I will not attack his army directly, even when my army outnumbers his a hundred to one. It will almost always be defeated through luck, tactical brilliance on the hero's end, or incompetence in my own minions. Instead, I will target his ammunition dumps, food stores, fuel reserves, and medical supplies. Without these, he can't raise an army to fight me in the first place.Remember, amateurs study tactics; professionals study logistics.
* ... and winners study finance. I will thus, if given any opportunity to, find out how the hero and/or his allies intend to pay for their war materiel in the first place, and utilize whatever options I have to confiscate, nationalize, tax, execute leveraged buyouts upon, or otherwise economically ruin their financial situations to prevent them from building up any ammunition dumps, food stores, etc., in the first place. Plus, if I do it right, there'll be more ill-gotten gains for me. o In the event that the hero intends to support his logistical efforts by stealing from my stockpiles, I should give him every opportunity to do so. The part where I make sure what he's stealing from me is as laden with as many tracking devices, poisons, creative yet subtle malfunctions, and/or hidden tactical nuclear warheads on a timer as I can arrange for doesn't even need to be mentioned, does it? * As an addendum, if I must fight the hero, I will use as small and economical a force as I can reasonably field, even if I could deploy vastly larger numbers of troops. This force will be led by my most well-liked minion(s). If my troops are outgunned, they garner sympathy and avoid being weakened by being part of a much larger force. Plus, it costs less. * I will, however, make sure I am not in a setting where brain-dead monkeys can handle the logistics.
# If I am a troper for this wiki, I will not take There Is No Such Thing As Notability for granted. Sure the hero may never find a use for my fears and turn-ons, but why take that chance? # If I am in charge of a nation/empire that shares its continent with many others, and I go to war with some of them, and I am the Overlord of my few countries, I will never, ever regard another nation as "useless" simply because they have no real army. Chances are, they're renowned for poisoning and assassins, and you can kill an enemy just as easily by poisoning him as you can by actual conflict. # If I hear about any form of magical fruit/s that can give the eater a special power, I will not:
* A, immediately amass a list of all the people who had eaten the fruits and have them all killed, o B, gather all the fruits and have them destroyed, or o C, all of the above. Instead, I will amass a list of these people, and gather some (note: SOME, not ALL) of the fruits. I will eat a fruit myself and then give the others to those of my staff who need special powers, like trusted lieutenants or brilliant generals. Then, I will instruct my staff to offer employment to each of the people who had eaten a fruit in the field that they desire to work in, with a lot more equipment.
# If the main race of my countries/empire/nation has a very big personality flaw, such as greed or anger, I will attempt to get rid of this flaw. Personality flaws destroy nations, as the Marags found out. # Amateurs MUST BE KEPT AWAY FROM VOLATILE SUBSTANCES. Only skilled and experienced arsonists or explosive experts will be allowed to blow anything up, and that only if they work for me.
* As well as that, I will never keep all of my explosives in one room. That has some baaaaaaaad results.
# My execution chamber will contain a variety of complex Rube Goldberg Death Traps, with a substantial time delay from the moment the switch is thrown until the eventual horrible death, from which a victim of sufficient ingenuity might conceivably escape. Needless to say, these will never be used on any prisoner I seriously want dead; those get a single pistol-bullet to the brain. The Rube Goldberg devices will be used on condemned-but-unimportant criminals on my realm-wide reality TV show, Who Wants to Live? It's always a good idea to give your subjects bread and circuses. Surviving contestants will be offered recruitment in the Assassination Regiment of my Legions of Terror, or a single pistol-bullet to the brain. # Honor is worth its weight in gold. A reputation for honor, on the other hand, might have some practical value. Therefore, I will never make a promise I might find it inconvenient to keep, except when breaking it is certain to result in the immediate death of all persons other than myself who know it was made. # I will take acting lessons until I can perfect the role of a fawning, cringing, servile toady. My trusted lieutenant will be trained to strut around in black robes intoning things like "Seize them!" and "Evil will triumph!" in a booming, sepulchral voice. If the hero is ever brought into my presence, my lieutenant and I will switch roles, just in case the hero has something up his sleeve despite being naked and shackled (they always do, you know). This will allow me to remain in the room and keep an eye on the situation while my lieutenant becomes the target of any possible attack. My lieutenant, just to keep him from getting above himself at that moment, will have a bomb strapped to his belly, to which I will have the detonator in my pocket. # My Legions of Terror will not march back and forth in front of my Fortress of Evil carrying long spears and wearing flashy, terrifying uniforms. That role will be filled by expendable security guards (or even more expendable actors) hired from a private agency. My Legions of Terror will wear practical camouflage fatigues and be trained to lurk out of sight until needed. # If a incompetent subordinate fails me, I will not execute him; that would give his friends and relations a grudge to nurse. Instead I will demote him to some functionary position with no important responsibilities and no prospect of advancement. He will still be of some use to me but his incompetence will no longer be any major hindrance to my schemes, and everyone will praise my mercy. # I will not try to discipline my beautiful daughter to rein in her dangerous carnal appetites. To the contrary, I will raise her to use and discard men like this week's hot fashion. That way, if she falls in love with the hero . . . well, that's what he thinks! # I will never employ any Doomsday Device that is so destructive it would leave me with no world or subjects to rule over. I mean, if the world leaders can't or won't come up with the ransom, what options does that leave you? # If I discover that the hero has an Orphans Plot Trinket in his possession, I will not show up at his door dressed in spikey armor with a gang of mooks and demand he give me the Staff Chick's necklace. Not only will he wipe out my squad, but now he knows that the trinket is important and will go to great lengths to figure out my plan and keep it away from me. Instead, I will disguise myself as a merchant, and when he stops at my store to pick up the latest weapon, I will offer to buy it from him for an exorbitant amount of money, or perhaps trade it for a component of the Infinity Plus One Sword. Not only will it allay any suspicion, but if I get the necklace or whatever at the beginning of the quest, my plans will be complete before the good guys have any idea what happened. Besides, you can't get the Infinity Plus One Sword until the very end anyway, and he won't make it that far. # I will find the Bonus Boss, and do anything in my power to get it on my side. Even if the hero manages to defeat it, he'll be so weak afterwards, that I can kill him without any trouble
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Aug 9, 2008 18:47:01 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 9, 2008 18:47:01 GMT -8
1. General tips for henchmen of all varieties: 1. Avoid getting sent to rough up the Hero. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure ticket to the bottom of the Thames. Remember, however, that all Heroes get roughed up at least once, so if this has never happened to the Hero, go for it! 2. Avoid killing people not actively involved in the rebellion; the Evil Overlord has enough enemies as it is. Especially don't kill relatives, significant others, or best friends of the Hero. Normally after the Evil Overlord is overthrown, henchmen can get off with a few hundred hours of community service, but if you off the Hero's loved ones, he'll make lasagna out of you. 3. Unless the Evil Overlord pays extra for indiscriminate slaughter, avoid it. Why should you give your services away for free? 4. As tempting as it may be, never try to ravish the Evil Overlord's Beautiful But Wicked daughter. She can probably mop the floor with you. Daddy will not try to stop her. He thinks it's funny. 5. Learn where the trap door is in the floor Evil Overlord's audience chamber. Avoid standing there, especially when bad news is brought to the Evil Overlord. 6. As soon as the evil lord has the Hero in his power, seek the nearest available escape route. The fewmets are about to hit the windmill. 7. Learn to distinguish Heroes from Sidekicks. Heroes are usually taller and more somber, while Sidekicks dress with more flair and tell more jokes. Taking on the Hero when you only have enough manpower/firepower to take on the Sidekick will earn you an all-expenses-paid trip on Stygian Cruise Lines. 8. Never allow yourself to be provoked into doing anything stupid by insults from the Hero or Sidekicks. 9. No matter how attractive the captured heroine is or how seductively she bats her eyes, she really does not want to sleep with you. Do not unlock the cell door. 10. If the heroes give you a chance to surrender or flee, take it. 11. If you surrender to the Hero, don't try to stab him when his back is turned; the Sidekick will get you first. 12. If the seemingly helpless person you have just cornered is confident and unafraid despite being outnumbered and surrounded, you have encountered a Hero in disguise. Run while you still can. 13. If the Hero you are sent after dresses entirely in black, he is even more dangerous than the Evil Overlord suspects; double all requisitions for men and firepower. 14. Practice your "accidental" sword/gun dropping technique. It's the only thing that can save you when the Hero is winning. 15. When you have someone at gunpoint and that person says "you haven't got the guts to kill me," disprove his/her hypothesis. 16. The Evil Overlord will not risk his life to save yours. Why risk yours for his? 17. If the Hero is using you as a human shield and the Evil Overlord asks you if the Doomsday Weapon is prepared, say "no." 18. If the Evil Overlord orders you to kill some prisoners and then departs for business elsewhere, leave as quickly as possible; there is about to be a successful rescue attempt. 19. Never allow yourself to be turned into a vicious, ravening beast to defeat the Hero. It never works, and you girlfriend will not understand. She will dump you for one of the Good Guys. 20. Never hold hostages at point blank range. Anyone quick enough to even back into the role of Hero can punch you out faster than you can pull the trigger. 21. When disposing of bodies, dump them in the Evil Overlord's territory, and not in neighboring lands presently outside of his control. 22. Find out where the Evil Overlord has installed the self-destruct switch for his secret base (the real switch, not the decoy), and disable it at the first opportunity. The base will get blown up anyway, but your chances of escaping are better. 23. Don't let the Evil Overlord use you as a lab animal. 24. If you can't avoid being used as a guinea pig by the Evil Overlord, any powers you gain from the experiment will make it needful for the Hero to kill you at some point during the Heroic Struggle. Change sides and take your just revenge. 25. Unless you are calling for assistance, there is no need to yell when you are attacking the Hero. Especially when you're doing it from behind. 26. The recommended method for checking to see if the Hero is still alive is to shoot him in the head.
2. Guidelines for Legion of Doom troops: 1. Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it. 2. When performing guard duty, do not stare continually in one direction, but take a moment now and then to look around. 3. And while you're pulling guard duty, if anyone shows up with a prisoner transfer or maintenance job, and you don't know about it, arrest them on the spot. 4. When you are fighting intruders, do not fight them quietly, but yell "Intruder!" while you still have breath. 5. When issued armor or uniforms that contrast with the service environment, respectfully inquire after more sensibly-colored attire. 6. Get plenty of firearms practice, and shoot at the Hero, not at the ground around him; kicking up lots of dirt looks cool, but it won't stop the Hero. 7. Don't attack the hero alone or in pairs. The Evil Overlord hired a million of you for a reason. 8. Learn how to lead from the rear and command from afar, just like the Evil Overlord does. 9. Exercise care in the abuse of oppressed peoples. Many farm implements make effective weapons in the hands of a skilled opponent. Some of those little old men can teach you a thing or two about hand-to-hand, too. And it would be just your luck for the villager you pick on to actually be the Hero masquerading as one of the villagers. 10. Test your armor's ability to stop a minimum of one sword thrust or laser blast, and if it does not give at least this much protection, respectfully inquire after more. 11. Make sure that your headgear allows for a useful field of vision. 12. Remember that if the Hero and/or his comrades are being purposefully allowed to escape, there is no need for you to get killed in your effort to "prevent" the escape. 13. If a prisoner suddenly takes ill, notify the Evil Overlord and await his instructions. Do not go into the cell to examine him/her yourself. 14. If you're on patrol and your partner mysteriously disappears, call for backup before you go look for him. 15. If your unit's name contains words like "Imperial", "Elite", "Supreme", "Tactical", "Storm" or "Special", request a transfer as soon as possible. These guys always get clobbered first when the Heroes attack.
3. Tips for the Trusted Lieutenant: 1. When the hero or his sidekicks are at your mercy, don't stop to gloat. 2. If you can't resist gloating, don't boast about the reward you expect to receive from your master for bringing them in or killing them off. 3. If you gloat and boast, don't be surprised if a comrade of the person you have at your mercy jumps you from behind while you're distracted with your boasting. 4. If you fail to complete your mission, skip town. Returning to the Evil Overlord to report on your failure will usually get you killed. 5. While the Evil Overlord is gloating over his anticipated success in the venture he is about to launch, it is considered impolite to ask "And if you fail?" You probably won't be flogged, maimed, or killed for your temerity, but why risk it? 6. Never wear gender-inappropriate underwear if swords are common. The Hero will slice your suspenders, causing your pants to fall and exposing you to ridicule. 7. If you follow orders and fail, the Evil Overlord will claim he told you to do something different, and your body parts will be used a castle decorations. If you disobey orders and succeed, the EO will act as if what you did was his idea, and you will be commended. The Moral: Do what works. 8. Find out what happened to your predecessor. Learn from it. 9. Always have a scapegoat arranged in order to explain every failure. 10. Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, accept responsibility for failure.
4. Tips for evil cult members: 1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur. 2. Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity. 3. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful. Be very careful to pronounce only one syllable at a time; some deities tend to pop up at every mention of their name, and expect an acceptable sacrifice to be waiting for them. 4. Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure. 5. Never invoke anything bigger than your head. 6. Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure. 7. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight—it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach. 8. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness. 9. If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium. 10. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare, and change. 11. Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures. 12. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous. 13. Followers who have a speech impediment should be excused from speaking parts in any and all ceremonies. The mispronunciation of the deity's name can have catastrophic effects. 14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment. 15. If the ritual site has some strange powder sprinkled around that wasn't there the last time, postpone all ceremonies until the site is verified. 16. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip. 17. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles. 18. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form." 19. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact. 20. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath. 21. Never play strip Tarot. 22. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made in exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat. 23. For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from SPAM is right out. 24. Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, school board members, and other people who won't be missed. 25. Register the copyrights on your chants, so that you'll have a leg up when some long-haired, dope-smoking, maggot-infested rock group plagiarizes them for a fast buck. 26. Do not allow your mental condition to degrade any further than the obligations of your deity require. A good psychiatrist helps.
5. Tips for the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter: 1. Make a point of finding out all those lovely little family secrets so that the Hero can never spring them on you. 2. Do not fall in love with the Hero. 3. If you fall in love with the Hero, and decide to help him, do not declare your intentions to Daddy. He'll just clap you in irons, pending execution. Of course the Hero will rescue you, but that's demeaning. 4. If the Hero takes you to his secret base, and once there tells all about his plans, smile sweetly, leave, and find another man; this Hero is obviously so stupid he will not be around for very long. 5. If any of Daddy's Evil Henchmen try to make a move on you, maim them at least. While the encounter might be interesting, it would set a bad precedent. 6. If you fall in love with the Hero, and want him to return your affection, do not use a drug concocted by a wizened old lady living on the top of a mountain. If the hero is not blind, your natural charms will be sufficient to win him over. If he prefers some tramp of a princess, then he obviously has rotten taste; find someone better. 7. If you fall in love with the Hero, and learn that he has a True Love, carefully investigate the relationship. If she has never returned his affection, the position is still open to competition (but you have to work as the Hero's Sidekick for a while, first). If the True Love returns the Hero's affection, give it up. Especially, do not try to eliminate the True Love by killing her, framing her, or subverting her. You'll either fail, be unmasked as the culprit, or both. 8. Do not wear dresses with high, fan-like collars. Stick with close-fitting, simple little numbers that allow you to turn your head to see behind you. If for some reason you have to wear a dress with a high collar, there is an arcane device called a "mirror" that will help you watch your back. 9. Have some engineers install a hidden exit from the room where Daddy imprisoned Mommy for the rest of her days after she displeased him. 10. Do not mistreat the populace. Let Daddy be the one to make enemies of all the Heroes in the land. 11. If you have siblings, do not trust them. They'll only use you shamelessly. Of course if they're stupid enough to trust you, use them shamelessly. 12. If any of your siblings try to enlist your help to overthrow Daddy, smile, agree, and then turn them in. They're either stupid (in which case the plot would certainly fail and you'll get caught), setting you up (in which case not turning them in is a very bad idea), or they've turned Good (in which case life under the new regime would be boring). 13. Laugh at all of the Sidekick's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That way when you pretend to fall for him he will be more easily fooled. 14. Rather than simply being an attractive stage prop, make sure that you know every detail of the running of the Evil Empire, so that if anything unpleasant happens to Daddy, the transition of power will go smoothly. Then make sure that something unpleasant happens to Daddy. 15. Make up your mind now whether you want to marry the Hero or slowly cut him into little pieces. Do not attempt the latter until you have given up on the former. 16. Daddy's Trusted Lieutenant works for Daddy. When he catches you cavorting with the Hero, he will gleefully take whatever you offer for his silence, and then turn you in anyway.
6. Tips for the Evil Overlord's Accountant: 1. Keep a set of books listing those activities of the Evil Overlord which would would be a credit to Gandhi. Show these records to anyone who cares to see them. 2. Keep a second set of books that lists the activities in the first set of books, plus those activites that look fishy at a cursory glance, but at closer examination are perfectly within the letter of the law, and maybe bend it a little. Show these books to auditors who aren't fooled by the first set of books, and then only when the Evil Overlord has no choice but to allow examination. Keep them a bit disheveled so that anyone looking at them will think you were caught with your pants down. 3. Keep a third set of books, listing everything the Evil Overlord is up to. Show these books to the Evil Overlord when he wants to see them. Show them to nobody else. Store them in thermite-packed cabinets so that they can be destroyed with extreme speed. 4. Keep a fourth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for the bulk of the Evil Overlord's loot, including the Plundered Crown Jewels. Use this information to bargain for your miserable cowardly life when the Hero defeats the Evil Overlord. 5. Keep a fifth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for a small portion of the Evil Overlord's loot, in the form of unmarked and untraceable cash. Use this information to set yourself up for retirement after the Evil Overlord is overthrown. 6. When the Hero and his allies storm the Evil Overlord's castle, hide under the Sturdy Oak Table with the other Sly Advisors until the fighting stops. If the Evil Overlord wins, it's back to business as usual; your sniveling cowardice will only stoke the Evil Overlord's feelings of superiority over you, so you will not be punished. If the Hero wins, thank the Hero for freeing you from the Evil Overlord's mind control, show him to where the Plundered Crown Jewels are kept, and then when nobody's looking, get the portion of the Evil Overlord's loot that you have earmarked for your retirement fund and retire. 7. Do not bother the Evil Overlord with the details of finances; math bores him. Simply remember his net worth at any given moment and be prepared to supply that figure on demand. 8. Do not embezzle from the Evil Overlord, unless you are able to cover the discrepancy by exaggerating the losses incurred by the bumbling of the Evil Overlord's other henchmen, and then only when said henchmen are dead.
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Aug 9, 2008 18:47:17 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 9, 2008 18:47:17 GMT -8
1. Items for Heroes in general: 1. I will maintain no association with sidekicks who employ prostitutes. While such entertainment doubtlessly relieves my comrade of the wearying burden of the Heroic Struggle, the women met in this fashion tend to filch artifacts needed to defeat the Evil Overlord, act as his spies and/or assassins, carry unpleasant diseases, and (worst of all) get me in trouble with my True Love. 2. I will ignore the Evil Overlord's arguments revolving around honor and/or morality. If he were really all that worked up about either, he would never have become an Evil Overlord in the first place. 3. When the Evil Overlord takes hostages, I will presume the hostages dead and hold a memorial service. Any promises made by the Evil Overlord regarding their safe return shall be summarily ignored. My loved ones will be warned to expect this. 4. I will not walk alone and undisguised into a bar in the Evil Overlord's territory in order to meet with an ex-associate who said a bunch of damaging things about me in one of the Evil Overlord's propaganda pieces. 5. When the Evil Overlord is hanging on the cliff by his fingers, I will not try to help him up. If time and means are available, I'll kill him then and there. 6. When I am advised to destroy a magical artifact taken from the Evil Overlord, I will do so. 7. Anyone inquiring after the secret of my strength will be fed a line of plausible baloney as to how this strength can be lost. If the bogus advice is followed, the leak shall be properly investigated. 8. If an associate begins to transform into something large and threatening, I will immediately act to neutralize the threat, and not wait until the transformation is complete. Likewise, if an enemy begins to metamorphosize into something else, I will immediately start whacking away at it, instead of watching in fascination. 9. I will take no oath of unquestioning obedience, nor any oath of obedience to persons of unproved character. 10. I will reveal to each comrade a different clue for distinguishing me from an impostor, so that if one of them betrays me and an impostor is sent in my place, the others will still be able to catch on to the charade. 11. I will never assume that an enemy is dead unless the remains are available for examination, and will keep in mind the possibility of cloning technology or resurrection magic. 12. I will employ some manner of surveillance so that when I leave a room and a traitorous comrade gives me the Malicious Scowl or Wicked Leer to my back, I will have ample warning of his impending betrayal. 13. Self-appointed prophets who deliver elliptically-worded warnings will be politely asked to phrase their utterances in plainer terms. If said prophet refuses the request, a five-year-old child will be asked to explain the meaning of the prophecy. 14. I will waste no time trying to get the rich to join in my rebellion. The only way to stay rich in the Evil Overlord's realm is to collaborate with him, and any rich people who truly feel guilty about this will serve the rebellion better by not openly joining. 15. If my Mentor tells me that I am not yet ready to confront the Evil Overlord, I will quietly accept his judgement and remain to complete my training. 16. If one of the Bad Guys manages to kill my Mentor, I'm clearly not prepared to immediately avenge him; I will retreat and develop my skills. 17. I shall arrange my personal affairs so that it doesn't matter if someone learns my secret identity. 18. If I am granted a vision of the future, I will not try to prevent anything that I see. It never works. 19. If I am forced to make a choice between saving a friend/lover or fulfilling my mission, I will remind myself that failing to accomplish the mission will probably result in the friend/lover's death anyway, and go on with the mission. 20. If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base. 21. If any of I disagreeociates mysteriously disappears, and then returns behaving in an uncharacteristic manner, I will immediately presume that their loyalty has been compromised by the Evil Overlord. 22. Old flames that join the rebellion will be assigned duties that preclude contact with me. This not only protects me from any attempt by the Evil Overlord to use them as agents, but also keeps my True Love from leaving me in a fit of insane, if misplaced, jealousy. 23. I will presume that the Evil Overlord is working to nullify my secret powers. I shall therefore obtain a means to fight that do not rely on these secret powers. 24. I will enter into alliances with the Evil Overlord only on the understanding that the rationale he has supplied for the alliance is not the Unvarnished Truth, and furthermore that he will betray me at the moment most advantageous to him. 25. I will never travel back into the past in order to prevent the current situation. It never works. 26. No matter how sincere he looks, I will never shake the Evil Overlord's hand. 27. When my powerful wizard friend fails to return at the appointed time, I won't wait until after my birthday to start my Perilous Journey. I will set out immediately. 28. Anything that appears to have been too easy—escaping the Evil Overlord's fortress, defeating the Eldritch Horror, etc.—probably was too easy. 29. If the Evil Overlord invites me to go on a hunt with him, I will decline the invitation. 30. If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks. 31. If I maintain a secret identity, I will keep my transformation ritual as simple and quick as possible so that I cannot be interrupted during it. 32. I will not keep information secret in order to prevent widespread hysteria; it never works. 33. My fortress will include a holding room for any annoying kids, nerds, would-be love interests and other wannabes who follow me there and insist on joining my group. They will be kept in this room until the Evil Overlord is defeated. If there are holodecks available, I will throw the wannabe into it while he/she is asleep and activate the Epic Adventure program. 34. When the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter tries to subvert me through her womanly wiles, I will keep in mind the diseases she is likely to have caught from all the netherwordly creatures with whom she is probably also consorting, as well as the possibility that the Evil Overlord has a hidden camera/crystal ball trained on me and is forcing my True Love to watch. 35. I will not needlessly expose myself to enemy gunfire, hand-to-hand combat, or dogfights. 36. There are three dimensions in space. I do not have to attack in the same plane as the opponent. 37. I will not count on other rebels being as self-sacrificing as I. 38. I do not need to give the Overlord a fair chance. Shooting him in the back works for me. 39. I will never say "This one is mine!" and engage in a one-on-one struggle with the Evil Overlord or any of his henchmen; however, I might say "This one is mine!" and stand back while, by prior arrangement with my comrades, all available firepower is pumped into the now-distracted target. 40. If my village allies defeat the elite forces of the Evil Overlord, I will take a few minutes to learn how they did it and incorporate the information gained into my strategies. 41. If my True Love is captured and forced into marriage with the Evil Overlord, I will not attempt to rescue her until after the ceremony, unless said ceremony will irrevocably harm or alter her in some way. 42. If she doesn't already know, I shall train my True Love in the art of unarmed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord uses her as a human shield she can slam her heel between his legs. 43. Likewise, if she doesn't already know, I shall train my True love in the art of armed combat, to the extent that her natural talents allow. 44. If through skill or luck I defeat a better-armed opponent, I will at least try to get his/her/its weapons. 45. When I and my companions sneak into the Evil Overlord's stronghold through some unorthodox route such as the main drain, and it appears to be completely unguarded, we will stop and discuss possible explanations for that observation, rather than simply praising our good luck and pressing blithely on. 46. After killing a few dozen faceless, anonymous grunts in the Legion of Doom without a second thought, I will not suddenly take a merciful attitude with the Evil Overlord, his family, his lieutenants, or anyone else with a speaking part. 47. When I kill one of the Evil Overlord's deer, I will not lug it to his castle and wave it in his face just to make some obscure point, only to wind up having to fight my way out of his castle. I'll just take it home and enjoy some venison. 48. I will remember that if the Bad Guy tries to kill enough people, no one will mind too much if I kill him instead of merely disarming him. Especially if it looks like an accident. 49. If I am offered two explanations for a phenomenon, one a logical, scientific explanation and the other a load of New Age claptrap, I will accept the scientific explanation. 50. My robots will be programmed to speak only when they have something useful to say. That way I will not be tempted to ignore them when they have critical information. 51. When I state my intention to do something and one of my robots interrupts me, I will at least hear it out. 52. I will wear different outfits from day to day, so that the Evil Overlord's henchmen will not be able to spot me at a glance. 53. If I lose a hand and have it replaced with a prosthesis, the prosthesis will have a functional weapon built in to it. I can use it to surprise Bad Guys and open canned goods. 54. I will not have sex with anyone before a battle. They will either die or betray me during the battle. 55. High-sounding directives notwithstanding, I will never value culture above sentient life. 56. If I get incriminating evidence about an enemy or a superior, I will make several copies, and store each in a different location. I will not surrender the sole copy to anyone. If ordered to destroy the copies, I will do so, after first making more copies. 57. I will not try to make a comrade run faster by yanking on his/her arm. I will instead advise them to stop turning around to look at the pursuing danger (rats, lava, etc.). 58. I will not make the sidekick wait somewhere while I go on ahead. He'll only get into worse trouble than he otherwise would. 59. Every member of the rebellion will have DNA tests to bring any existing blood relationships to light. 60. When five seconds can mean the difference between the survival and destruction of the galaxy, I will keep my wistful expressions of undying fealty, love, or regret to a minimum. 61. After knocking out a bad guy, I will kill him silently if I can, cripple him silently if I can't kill him, or disarm him if I can neither kill nor cripple him. If I fail to do any of these, he will come to and jump me from behind. 62. My loyal, trusted and heavily armed bodyguards will always be on hand. 63. I will never leave my True Love and/or family unguarded unless they can defend themselves. 64. I will always pack as much firepower as I can. 65. I will never allow my people to speak to prisoners alone, but I will sometimes appear to do so. 66. I will maintain constant surveillance on all prisoners in case one of my people tries something behind my back. 67. If I discover a mysterious pod in my home, barn, spaceship, or alien territory, I will not stick my face into it or pick it up to see if it is alive. Instead I will have it examined via remote-controlled robot. 68. I will not trust a being with an inordinate number of tentacles. 69. I will always read the fine print. 70. Being captured by the Evil Overlord is one way to learn his secret plans, but there are innumerable other ways that are better, and they will be tried first. 71. My weapon of choice will be the one that allows the greatest distance between me and my target. 72. When I am forced to decide which of two identical people is the Trusted Ally and which is the Evil Doppelganger, I will stun them both and sort things out in the brig. 73. When I make my escape from the Evil Overlord's encampment, I will sabotage as much of the enemy's pursuit capacity (horses, jeeps, rocket bikes, etc) as opportunity permits, sparing only enough for the use of my companions and me. 74. If my trusty sidekick always blurts out the fact that I am carrying the most powerful magic object in the world, then I will get a sidekick who is less of a blabbermouth. 75. I will be courteous to all, whether friend, foe, or neutral. Especially neutral. 76. I will wear a utility belt. Not everything I need will be kept there, but I will pretend that I am helpless without it in order to fool the Evil Overlord. 77. I will treat law enforcement officials with respect, permit them to handle affairs that are within their capacity, and solicit their advice when circumstances allow. This will establish mutual respect and a good rapport. 78. If I have a weakness, I will look for a Sidekick who does not share this weakness. Failing that, I will form a mutual-support association with a Hero not sharing this weakness. 79. When sneaking into the fortress of the Evil Overlord, I will disguise myself as someone whose normal behavior I can emulate. 80. My guards will be instructed so that when a voice around the corner says "come here," they will assume the speaker to be an intruder and respond accordingly. 81. If I am forced to retreat after being ambushed by overwhelming forces, I will not run home where it's safe; whoever is behind the ambush probably has plans for me when I get there. 82. I almost certainly have an Evil Twin running around somewhere, if not by birth then as a creation of the Evil Overlord. I will keep an eye out for him, and plan accordingly. 83. I will never allow fashion sense to prevent me from carrying whatever is useful or needful for the Heroic Struggle. 84. When the Evil Overlord tries to guilt-trip me by claiming that I'll be responsible for something he plans to do if I don't cooperate with him, I'll mercilessly quote Ayn Rand to him. 85. If the Evil Overlord wears a mask hiding his features, it's either because he doesn't want to be recognized or because he's bodaciously ugly. I will psych myself up for the shock resulting from either cause when I rip the mask off of him. 86. When someone opens the Eldritch Portal to Hell, and I have the means to close it, I will employ said means immediately, and not stop to explain things to everyone. 87. People who whine about not being trusted are either 1. Operatives for the Evil Overlord 2. Mind-controlled by the Evil Overlord 3. Totally clueless about concepts like OPSEC and need-to-know 4. Dangerously neurotic and/or immature and are consequently not to be trusted. 88. If a mystic proclaims that my destiny is to "defeat the darkness," "bring freedom to the downtrodden," or some such other glorious accomplishment, I will immediately begin preparations for the role. I will not wait for the mystic and several other innocents to get rubbed out by the Evil Overlord. 89. If my powers depend on a talisman in my possession, I will never openly display it, but keep it hidden in my codpiece/brassiere; a flashy, gaudy article of jewelry, having no mystical potency of any kind, will be brandished when I employ my super powers. 90. I will begin my lifelong fight against crime immediately upon discovery of my powers, instead of witholding I disagreeistance from the police, thereby allowing a minor criminal to escape and murder one of my loved ones. 91. When I am about to enter the Evil Overlord's hideout, I will have it surrounded by friendly forces so that they can detain him if he sneaks out the back door while I kick down the front door. 92. If I discover that one of my comrades in the Heroic Struggle has a Dark Secret (i.e., was impersonating the opposite gender, is a blood relative to the Evil Overlord, etc.), I will not dismiss them without further justification. 93. The assistance of politicians will be obtained by appealing to their self-interest. Any politician who appears to be cooperating with me out of the kindness of his heart is actually plotting to betray me at some point. 94. If my Mentor is slain in combat with the Evil Overlord or his henchmen, I will withdraw quietly, instead of shouting "Noooooo!" at the top of my lungs. 95. Any artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, will only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction. 96. Mountains and castles that are shaped like skulls, hideous faces, fists, etc., are the very Lairs of Evil. All visits will be planned accordingly. 97. Female sidekicks who are loyal and dependable make much better True Loves than do vain, pampered princesses who never give me the time of day. 98. I will ascertain the whereabouts of all relatives and possible progeny from past love affairs. It's a sure bet that the ones for whom I cannot account are now working for, or actually might be, the Evil Overlord. 99. I will not spurn the assistance of a hermit/scholar merely because my other associates claim he is insane. 100. If an opponent does not die when his/her/its head is cut off, but instead starts groping for it, I will give the head a good kick to delay reattachment. 101. After stunning a Bad Guy, I'll do something to make sure that when he wakes up he won't be a hindrance to my activities. 102. If I find myself born or drafted into a universe wherein the laws of nature do not obey consistent principles, I will depart for an alternate universe created by a more reasonable author. 2. Vows every Starfleet captain should take: 1. I will design my ship's tactical systems so that I do not have to personally direct every single shot fired. 2. I will put surge suppressors in the circuitry of my ship, so that a shot striking some distant portion does not cause a control panel on the bridge to explode. 3. I will design my ships so that command and control functions cannot be hot-wired from a wall panel in the recreation bay. 4. I will design redundancy into all ship systems, so that the loss of one component will not cripple the entire vessel. 5. When combat is imminent, my ships' computer will be programmed so that enemy troops that beam aboard will be immediately beamed into empty space, or the originating ship's reactor core, if that is accessible. It will also deliver a kilo of antimatter to the bridge of the ship in question. 6. When the enemy ship decloaks and is arming weapons, I will immediately open fire on it, instead of waiting for it to fire three or four times. 7. When a comrade defects to the enemy, I will have all passwords changed, and as soon as it is practical I will have the computer disconnected, its memory flushed, and the approved software reloaded from the original secured CD-ROMs. 8. Anyone who cannot be entertained by books, music, a good game of cards and a well-stocked bar will not be allowed to crew my ship. Hence there will be no need for a holodeck on my ship. 9. After capturing a space station from an enemy, I will have the enemy's computer systems completely removed, melted down into slag, and dumped into the nearest stellar object. A new computer will then be installed. 10. If a crew member is a sanctimonious coward who continually gets us all into trouble through his greed, I shall, after the third or fourth episode of this behavior, act to preserve myself and other comrades only, and let him be destroyed by the mess he made for himself. 11. Under no circumstance will I agree to not develop or employ any particular technology. 12. If I have a technologically superior foe who is intent on eliminating my whole civilization, and I am offered a means of utterly annihilating this foe for all time, I will use it. 13. I will install seatbelts in my space vessels, and have pressure suits and pressure locks at regular intervals. 14. Technology that chronically malfunctions will be removed from my ship. 15. To prevent my on-board computer from being reprogrammed by every Tom, thingy and Harry that sneaks on board, its software will be stored in ROM chips that are soldered to the motherboard; RAM will be reserved for data only. 16. I will design the greatest possible degree of manual back-up into my space vessels, so that when my on-board computer begins to act strangely, I can power it down via a switch located next to my seat on the bridge, and yet not be left totally helpless. 17. I will never allow someone to read the technical manuals and blueprints of my ship unless they work in engineering or operations and therefore have a need-to-know. All personnel will be properly cleared prior to assignment to engineering or operations. The technical manuals and blueprints of totally fictitious craft will be freely available. 18. If my starship's drive or weapons systems require lengthy charge times between uses, I shall research and develop equipment that can handle a heavier duty cycle. 19. My ship's computer will have a clock rate of at least one megahertz and be programmed in C or assembler so that important calculations take a few milliseconds instead of an hour or so. 20. If a member of my crew can perfectly mimic my voice giving the commands to take control of my ship, additional security measures they cannot mimic will be added, such as palmprints or retinal scans. 21. If my ship is constantly being bugged/robbed/invaded/taken over, I will replace my security officer, no matter how cool a character he is. 22. If knowledge of the operating frequency of a ship's system aids in efforts to disable that system, I will employ an arcane development known as "frequency-hopping." 23. Before allowing crewmembers to take leave on a planet, I will ensure that they are welcome and that its government recognizes legal precepts like The Rule of Law, Trial by Jury, Presumption of Innocence, and so forth. I will also learn all of the local laws so that one of my crewmembers doesn't end up on death row for scratching his nose in public or some other stupid thing. 24. If one of my crewmembers is unjustly imprisoned and/or condemned, and the officials with whom I speak express a marked disinterest in his actual guilt or innocence, I will not waste time trying to gather evidence that will exonerate the crewmember. Instead, I will immediately mount a rescue mission. 25. When beaming into hostile territory I will instruct my transporter chief to beam me into a defensible position, with the landing party facing outwards in a circle. I will have my weapon in my hand (not my pocket) before I beam down. 26. If I beam off of a vessel that is still hostile, I will arrange to leave behind as large an explosive device as I can obtain. 27. I will not have both rotating and non-rotating sections on a ship. If I need rotational gravity, I will spin the whole ship. Any navigational computer that cannot deal with this will be replaced with one that can. 28. I will follow the advice of my Chief Medical Officer. If I am not at 100% of my usual level of physical fitness, I will stick to desk duty unless the fate of something genuinely important hangs in the balance. 29. I will assume that all super-weapons are operational until proven otherwise, especially if they appear to be unguarded. 30. All critical data and software will be backed up in off-line storage. 31. A random alien's claims about his/her/its race's cultural values and attitudes will be given no more credence than a random human's claims about human cultural values and attitudes. 32. My crew shall be trained in the fine arts of tactical combat, such as dispersing assets, walking point, advance guards, flank guards, rear guards, etc. 33. I will not throw infantry into close-quarter combat with creatures of leviathan stature, but shall turn such affairs over to the artillery crew. 34. If my ship is whisked to the far side of the galaxy, leaving us with a seventy-year journey home, and a super-being offers to take us home instantly in exchange for having his baby, I'll agree and ask what we can get for two babies. 35. If anyone beams down and their personal communicator drops carrier, all life forms within ten meters of the last known location shall be beamed directly to the brig. A large well-armed security detail will be waiting. 36. The people in charge of Sick Bay, Engineering, and R&D will not be the only people staffing those functions, nor shall they accompany away teams. 37. I will not ask "What does God need with a space ship?" and then order a torpedo strike. I will order the torpedo strike first, and ponder theology on the trip home. 38. My people will be assigned duties commensurate with their skills. I will not task pilots with leading a ground assault, infiltrating enemy camps, etc. 39. If I board a derelict ship, and it appears that the former crew and passengers all died in some horrible fashion, I will immediately leave the ship, destroy it, and toss the wreckage into the nearest stellar object. 40. If I am in red alert status and discover that it was a false alarm, I will stay in red alert for a while before standing down. 41. Anyone I imprison will be stripped, scanned, and given a prison uniform. This will prevent them from assembling weapons from pieces hidden in their regular clothes. 42. Any crew member who begins to act strangely will be immediately relieved of duty and confined to the sick bay, pending a complete screening to determine if their personality has been subverted. 43. I will not let the Whiz Kid conduct research aboard my ship. If he's got a theory that he's itching to test, I will deposit him on an uninhabited planet in friendly space, and make sure that I'm out of the system before he's done unpacking. 44. I will not depart the starbase unless my complement of Marines are on board. 45. I will hold repel-boarders drills on my ship. These drills will be held at random hours so that everyone learns what they're supposed to be doing, no matter what the circumstances. 46. My junior officers will be notified that Academy cadets cannot be field-commissioned, and should they come upon a ship crewed entirely by such, they will immediately take command and return them to where they can receive adult supervision. 47. I will never send the infantry down on missions that are better suited for orbital bombardment. 48. If the issued zap guns have "stun" and "kill" modes, they will be set to the former only when the user is about to fire at something that is wanted alive. 49. If my opponent can adapt to various forms of attack, rendering them useless, I will use some imagination and start attacking in as many radically different ways as possible. 50. My standing orders will allow the man I leave in charge of the bridge to raise shields and return fire if the ship is attacked while I am not on the bridge. 51. Everyone and everything boarding my ship will be scanned while in the airlock or on the transporter pad. Anyone with enough clout to refuse a scan will be scanned covertly. 52. All derelict vessels will be treated as hostile vessels playing dead. 53. All vessels that refuse hails will be treated as hostile. 54. I will establish a set of hand signals so that I can give orders to my crew without the guy on the other end of the video link knowing what I'm up to. 55. If I am in dire straits due to a lack of the rare substance that fuels my ship, I will scan my environs for supplies of the substance, paying especial attention to the natives' jewelry and other decorative artifacts. 56. No robots serving with me will be permitted to have emotion chips.
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Aug 9, 2008 18:47:39 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 9, 2008 18:47:39 GMT -8
1. I will never take a vow to marry only someone who can defeat me. I will learn of those laws which limit my marriage options and work towards their repeal. I will decided when and who I marry, thank you very much. 2. I will not freeze in terror in the presence of monsters or servants of the Evil Overlord. 3. If I have a friend who never seems to be around when the Hero shows up and clobbers the Bad Guys, I will draw the appropriate conclusions. 4. If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base. 5. If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks. 6. I will obtain skill in unarmed combat, so that I can kick Bad Guys between the legs, and put my elbow into the Evil Overlord's solar plexus when he uses me as a human shield. I will not, however, attempt to tackle a Bad Guy bare-handed as long as more practical alternatives exist. 7. I will obtain skill in armed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord and the Hero are engaged in mortal combat, I can grab some dead henchman's weapons and help tilt the odds in the Hero's favor. 8. I will obtain skill in the use of my legs and feet, so that I can actually run from one place to another without tripping over every shadow, crack, and pebble along my path. 9. If the Evil Overlord tries to force me into marriage, I will insist on a ceremony so expensive that it will debilitate his industrial capacity. I will be picky about the tiniest details of the ceremony and change my mind frequently so that the resulting delay will give the Hero more time to rescue me. 10. My own sidekicks will be picked for brains, not looks. 11. Since liberated women are still allowed to have it both ways, I will not rule out using my womanly wiles to defeat the Evil Overlord. Even if it only works on Stupid Bad Guys, it never hurts to try. 12. After being forced into a compromising situation, I will not grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and toss it to the Hero when he walks in; I will instead grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and use it on him myself, before the Hero walks in. 13. Likewise, if I catch the Hero in a compromising situation with another woman, I will give the Hero the benefit of whatever doubt might reasonably exist. 14. When the Evil Overlord forces me to help betray the Hero, I will make a show of resistance and then feign capitulation. I will then use whatever resources are placed at my disposal to screw the Evil Overlord (in a metaphorical sense, of course). 15. My clothing and footwear will always be appropriate for the occasion. It will enable me to run, climb, and fight, and will hide as large an assortment of personal weaponry as is practical. It will also protect me from frostbite and hypothermia. If my clothing becomes torn in a manner which threatens to kill me from exposure or transform me into cheesecake, I'll steal a jacket from some bad guy. As I am confident that my charm, loyalty and wit are enough to maintain the Hero's love, the harem girl outfit is reserved for private moments when we are living happily ever after. 16. I will not hesitate to lie about the Secret Location of the Rebel Base. 17. If I have any odd phobias to spiders, snakes, lightning, und so weiter, I will seek therapy and overcome them, so that when lives depend on my ability to behave intelligently, I won't panic. Since liberated women can still have it both ways, I will feign phobias in order to deceive or distract Bad Guys. 18. If I am offered a bribe, I will accept it, and inform the Hero by a pre-arranged means. The happily-ever-after will be happier if we have a good nest egg to start on. 19. The Hero and I will have a pre-arranged signal so that if one of us is held at gunpoint and the other is ordered to drop his/her weapon, the hostage will know when to duck while the other one plugs the Bad Guy. 20. Knowing that tentacles have a preference for True Loves, I will keep an eye out for any and all creatures that might have them. 21. I will obtain some basic mountaineering skills so that when I am dangling off of a cliff the Hero can finish off the Evil Overlord instead of letting him escape in order to rescue me. 22. If I am presented with a reasonable opportunity to save the day myself, I will at least try, and not wait for the Hero to do it. 23. I will never buy an apple from peddlers plying their craft in remote places where the customer base could not possibly support a full-time merchant. 24. I will not give sloppy, wet kisses to the Hero until I verify that he isn't related to me. 25. I will not jump out of a lifeboat as it's being lowered over the side of a sinking ship. I'll either give my spot to a mother with a baby and join the Hero in a noble death, or sensibly stay on the lifeboat and treasure my memories of him forever. 26. I will not steal confidential information from the Hero in an attempt to further my career, thus causing the Hero's dismissal from the team assembled to save the earth and severely damaging his efforts to succeed. 27. If the Hero tells me he wants to break up with me or quit his dangerous job for my protection, it's already too late; a kidnapping is already in the planning, and I will take all reasonable precautions against it. 28. I will obtain a device that the hero can use to locate me when I, despite my best efforts, am kidnapped. 29. I will refrain from converting the Captain of the Guard to our side, as it means he will be killed while helping me to escape. 30. I will refuse all gifts from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain mind-control devices that would make me giddily happy to marry him. It's demeaning enough to be head-over-heels for the Hero, let alone a creep like the EO. 31. When the Sidekick rescues me, I will dump any gifts received from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain tracking devices, which would result in the Sidekick getting killed; then I'd have to listen to his confession of undying love while he croaks, and feel obligated to say some comforting baloney before his eyes close for the last time, and then after telling the Hero about his friend's courageous sacrifice, wind up naming our first child after him. 32. There is a fifty-fifty chance that the Hero's Sidekick is in love with me. I'll find him a spunky, moderately-attractive tomboy type about his height, and steer them towards each other. If they quarrel, they're in love; if they hit it off, she loves him, but he's secretly unhappy with her and still loves me, and the Hero will need to send them off on a mission together. 33. If I absolutely must scream, I'll use actual words with useful information. "I'M BEING EATEN BY A SHUGGOTH!" better enables the Hero to rescue me than does a simple ear-splitting "AAARRRGGHH!" 34. When the Evil Overlord says that he was driven in his evil by my radiant beauty, I'll just kill him. 35. I will never vow to slay the killer of my brother or other near relative; there is a fair-to-middling chance that the Hero did it, that it was an accident, and that I won't learn he did it until after I fall in love with him. 36. If someone capable of feeling pain covers my mouth with their hand, I will make use of my pearly whites at the moment when my captor can least afford to be distracted. 37. I will save my ethical dilemmas for times when I don't have an enemy at gunpoint. 38. I will not, under any circumstance, faint from any emotional cause, such as fear, surprise, or astonishment.
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Aug 9, 2008 18:48:00 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 9, 2008 18:48:00 GMT -8
Tips for Evil Geniuses and Scientistsor How not to be a Deranged Evil Genius or Mad Scientist
1. I will not experiment on myself. 2. I will not transplant my mind into the Hero's brain when my test monkey is still in the laboratory. 3. None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse" switch. 4. My secret lab/lair will have excellent ventilation, automatic sprinklers, and Halon extinguishers handy at every bench. 5. My glass flask holders, test tube racks, and Bunsen-burner heated apparati will be anchored to the floor or wall, not balanced precariously on a wobbly table. 6. Any ability enhancing formula that has potential degenerative or addictive effects may be suitable to use on the Controlled Masses, but not on myself. 7. My high-energy sealed test chamber will only be activatable from the outside by the combination of my hand and retinal print. If someone has relieved me of my hand and eye to get them, I'd rather be dead anyway. 8. If I can splice genes to create a 60 meter long killer thingyroach, I can also insert in said creation a susceptibility to my custom formula of Raid, which I can carry in a convenient key chain mace canister. 9. Experimental monster creations will not only have one immediately lethal vulnerability only I can exploit, but until my Diabolical Plan is ready to implement, they will also have an addiction to a material only I can supply, without which they will die in a day or two. 10. I will always have an open airplane ticket to New Zealand on hand in case my current project escapes my laboratory, starts mutating beyond control, or starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion. 11. I will personally select the brain to be used in my life-creation experiment. 12. If I need one liter of my secret formula to implement my Diabolical Plan, I will produce ten liters and store the other nine safely in different caches. 13. I will always carry the antidote on my person. But it will be in a vial marked 'poison reserve.' The poison reserve will be in the vial marked 'antidote.' 14. If I am working on an optical mind control device, I will remove all extraneous mirrors from the lab and wear polarized contact lenses at all times. 15. I will test the strength, power, and weaknesses of all monsters I create. Better to pull back and send two monsters next time than lose one due to simple poor planning. 16. Experiments requiring a human test subject shall be performed on kidnapped anti-social bums who live alone in large cities, not someone who people will notice the disappearance of, like a female student at the local high school. 17. If I really must have a teenage girl to perform my experiments on for some reason, I will not choose the buxom cheerleader whose courageous and handsome boyfriend is captain of the football team. Instead, I will choose the mousy quiet girl whose only likely boyfriend is the nervous head of the Dungeons and Dragons club, who I can probably co-opt if I need to. 18. I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more. 19. Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of my redundant, automatic Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me, extraneous underlings. No underling (especially one with a girlfriend to impress) will ever be given the keys to the cages. 20. My Android Armies will be capable of independent action not rely on a central brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop rejection procedures to prevent paralysis by "Everything I say is a lie" type statements. 21. If I have underlings who follow orders literally (AI or robotic guardians, brainwashed minions, etc.), I will make their orders as clear and specific as possible. I will specify IN ADVANCE that orders such as "Kill everyone in this room!" or "Allow no one to enter or leave!" automatically include the proviso "Except for me." Also, they will be directed to ignore orders that would harm me. It would be undignified to die because I got frustrated and sarcastically said "Kill me now!" 22. After unleashing the computer virus which will initiate my Diabolic Plan and bring about the downfall of the free world I will ensure that the original copy of the virus is deleted from my hard drive, and destroy all hard copy notes on the construction of said virus.
Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage.
1. Inoculate before invasion. 2. Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations. 3. No matter how pretty the girl, leave her alone. Almost guaranteed your anatomies, much less your biologies are not compatible. 4. If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity. 5. Don't route all power through the Mothership. 6. Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the top. 7. Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system or stadium. Find a nice secluded cave. 8. If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force takeover. 9. Conduct all planning sessions in your own planet's tongue. A group of non-humans speaking English are just asking for intelligence intercepts. 10. Eat the prisoners. It solves many later problems before they crop up. If you CAN'T eat the prisoners, why are you invading? 11. The pre-invasion scouting efforts should include time spent at a regional office of Greenpeace. Examine the list of life forms COMPLETELY WIPED OUT by the locals. If any resemble your forces, especially the warrior caste, pick another planet. 12. Invade a kindergarten first. If you can't handle the house-apes, you have no business invading the planet. 13. A large enough group of human prisoners will invariably contain one person willing to sell out his own mother to survive the invasion. AND/OR one person willing to sacrifice his mother to trick you into trusting him until it is too late. If your technology or internal politics cannot easily deal with this problem, pick another planet. (Or eat the prisoners, see above.)
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Aug 9, 2008 18:48:34 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 9, 2008 18:48:34 GMT -8
1. If the hero tells me to stay put while he goes on ahead, I will do so instead of sneaking around and getting captured. 2. When selecting a love interest, I will keep an eye out for the spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type who is about my height. The stunningly beautiful ones are probably spies from the Evil Overlord, and are only trying to sweet-talk valuable information out of me or tempt me over to the other side. 3. Optimism and survival appear to correlate negatively. If I find myself hopeful at all times about human nature, I will verify the status of my insurance policies. 4. I will strive to complement the Hero's skills instead of duplicating them. If I am the most inventive person ever born, I will cultivate those talents instead of trying to become another swashbuckler. 5. I will coordinate all Heroic Struggle-related activities with the Hero; if I can't tell him what I'm doing, I probably shouldn't be doing it. 6. I will not go to town for information if I am routinely beaten to a pulp for doing so. 7. I will exercise caution during the Heroic Struggle. Neither the depth of the Hero's anguish over my death nor the heat of his fury to avenge me will bring me back from the dead. 8. I will be quiet and try to stay sober most of the time. If I get drunk and sing bawdy songs at the top of my lungs, I will attract prostitutes who are really working for the Evil Overlord. 9. If I am tasked to carry a very important message, I will make copies and use FedEx to get them to their destination. 10. When the beautiful captured spy offers me sexual favors, they are only a trick to kill me and escape; I will decline. 11. If I take up the profession of arms, I will not necessarily ape the Hero's fashion sense. Specifically, I will have sleeves on my shirt, and the shirt will be buttoned. 12. If my partner is named Dirty Harry, I should realize that there is a reason for that and ask for a transfer. 13. Before accepting the role of Sidekick, I will learn how the position became vacant. 14. If the Hero sends me out on some errand, I will go, perform the task, and return. I will not drop by the tavern for a tankard of ale. 15. If the Hero does something that hurts my feelings, I shall presume that it was an honest mistake. I will not go wandering off by myself in a fit of self-pity, only to be captured by the Evil Overlord. 16. I will inform the Hero and his associates of any embarrassing secrets, so that the Evil Overlord cannot use them to blackmail me. 17. If I am flying a one-man craft which is critically damaged, I will eject. Only if the ejector seat fails will I belt out a long, despairing, agonized scream as I fly the craft into an enemy structure. 18. If the Hero has any extra-nifty weapons or armor, I will try to obtain like items for myself. 19. I will not wear a red shirt when beaming down to a planet. 20. I will not tell the Hero any of my plans regarding settling down after the Evil Overlord is overthrown. 21. I will never open a package addressed to the Hero, or pick up his laundry, or perform other personal tasks on his behalf. 22. When the Hero tosses me his car keys, I will toss them back, and take the bus. Let the car bomb blow him up for a change. 23. I will not die and be brought back to life by the Hero with such frequency that the fans say I have a revolving door in the afterlife. 24. I will make plans for disposal of my body after I have died, so the Evil Overlord cannot use it for insidious reasons of his own. 25. Somone involved in the Heroic Struggle has an identical twin out there. I'll plan accordingly. 26. If I find a pit, I will not throw a rock into it to see how deep it is, unless this information is actually needed for some reason. 27. If I fall in love with the Hero's True Love, I will inform the Hero first, and then the True Love, so that they can help me get over it and find someone else. 28. If I fall in love with someone else, I will tell him/her now, and not shyly procrastinate, thereby dooming the object of my affection to perish just as I was getting up the courage to make my feelings known. 29. If the Hero calls for me from some dark place I did not expect him to be, I'll hit the place with some manner of illumination, ask for the password, and proceed with the utmost caution. 30. If the Hero wants me to go get something, I'll arrange for delivery. If this is not available, I'll take along a few faithful comrades. At no time will these services be performed at night. 31. If the Hero is fated to slay certain entities, the Evil Overlord in particular, this means that I will not slay them, and should avoid trying. 32. If the Hero warns me that my girlfriend is a Servant of Evil, I am in a perverse quandary. If I believe him and terminate the relationship, he will turn out to have been dead wrong, and the resulting alienation of affection will drive her to the Dark Side. If I don't believe him, he will turn out to be right, and I will be used as a pawn by my scheming paramour. I guess the only solution is to take my sweetie on a long vacation and not return until after the Heroic Struggle is completed. 33. I will not goad bad guys with statements like "over my dead body." 34. I will not interpose my body between the Hero and whatever attack is coming his way. If he's qualified to be a Hero he'll survive.
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Aug 9, 2008 18:49:10 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 9, 2008 18:49:10 GMT -8
Things I Will Do If I Am Ever the Vampire
1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there when he is dead.
2. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?
3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a sniper rifle.
4. When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in out-of-the-way locations such as the inside of the thigh, the lower part of the breast or other location not requiring painfully obvious alteration of clothing or ridiculous accessories to conceal.
5. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.
6. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
7. I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.
8. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.
9. I will wear _white_ clothing, which does not set off my pallor as obviously as black.
10. If I can't avoid wearing black all the time, and acting wierd, I will go to bars which cater to that sort of clientele. It would make it more difficult for the hero to pick me out of the crowd.
11. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the point?
12. I will not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centiuries of experience. Even inexperienced losers can get lucky.
13. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside and which sunlight can be directed down using mirrors.
14. If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.
15. When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and eternal slave I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. That would goad the Hero into making an attack. She will be tucked away in a quiet room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.
16. I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age forever while their minds grows older and they will become whiny and disobedient.
17. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.
18. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.
19. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.
20. I will have one of my Entranced Subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a lumber yard.
21. My home will have mirrors but they will be located in places such as the bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero or his friends.
22. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly or hypnotize people when there might be witnesses.
23. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce, attack or even bother visitors staying in the castle unless they have express consent from me.
24. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.
25. I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I.......am......Dra. ....cu.....la."
26. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire sleeperhouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.
27. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be dead or senile.
28. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.
29. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.
30. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory.
31. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident expression.
32. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.
33. Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or large blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.
34. I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Von Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire.
35. I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of "The Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital" rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably...
36. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.
37. I will not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed, or other addictive drugs.
38. All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
39. Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.
40. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might notice odd behavior in my future concubines. Therefore, I take the teacher at the all-girls school first.
41. All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.
42. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.
43. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.
44. All future concubines will be stripped searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.
45. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.
46. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.
47. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi.
47a. And if it does, I will immediately leave town (having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice).
48. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will secretly finance. After a few years of modern education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will undoubtably be ways to destroy me.
49. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former.
50. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
51. All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts longer in a fight.
52. Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines they work quite effectively on the Hero and his friends. Therefore all concubines will be armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and fang in attack only as a last resort.
53. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify.
54. I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death.
55. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my apparent age.
56. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow vampire that I was fond of. They have clearly demonstrated they have the ability to destroy me.
57. More vampires means lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I really want more of us running around.
58. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic. No silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) But ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it *look* like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab me with it.
59. I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas at all times. Not needing to breathe is a usefull skill.
60. As cancer isn't a particularly large concern for me, I'll wear asbestos clothing.
61. I will make lots of long term investments.
61a. With the great wealth I get from that, I shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood, or a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to McDonalds instead of bothering the hero's womenfolk.
62. While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heros.
63. As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.
64. I will not engage a "Vampire Slayer" in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well.
65. If I find out that there is a "Vampire Slayer" living in the vicinity, I will consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the advantages confered by that particular location.
66. When faced with a gang of spunky kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I will consider surrender. Or mailbombs.
67. I will put on lots of makeup and fur, and howl at the moon every once in a while. This should confuse the hero, and will probably enable me to get away with a silver bullet or two.
68. I will not consider property crimes beneath my dignity. Carjacking is a good source of income, and I don't have to worry much about the possibility of something going wrong.
The Typical Vampire
* Is undead * Feeds on blood * Harmed by sunlight * Repelled by garlic * Repelled by religious symbols * Destroyed by a stake through the heart * Intelligent * Immortal if properly fed * Pale-skinned * Has no reflection * Unchanging in appearance
They are commonly portrayed as highly attractive and are commonly used in dark romance stories. They are also prone to brooding, angsty behavior. [edit] Variations
* Some vampires feed on psychic or life energy * Some are not undead, but are instead created by a mutation or virus
[edit] Common Absurdities
* Vampires in modern fiction sometimes claim that they cannot give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation because they "have no breath." This makes no sense; the fact that they can speak normally indicates that they are fully capable of inhaling and exhaling when they need to. * Vampires are sometimes seen to sire or carry children. Being undead, this doesn't make a lot of sense. As it's been eloquently put, "the tadpoles aren't swimming anymore." The cold body of a female vampire wouldn't sustain a living foetus, and a dead foetus is, well, dead and wouldn't grow. Although the Romanian strigoi were said to be able to father children, they were not undead corpses after reforming a human body. * In some stories a vampire will completely drain a human body of blood in a single feeding. The human stomach is nowhere near capable of holding that much fluid; the stomach holds about one quart while the human body contains about six quarts of blood.
[edit] History & Origins [edit] Early vampires and quasi-vampires
The notion of things that go bump in the night and feed upon unfortunate humans has existed for millennia. Indeed, things that go bump in the night and eat people have also existed for millennia. Our primitive ancestors had somewhat to fear from the nocturnal (but perfectly normal) predators out there. The cries and howls of these animals undoubtedly sent shivers down their spines. Undoubtedly the discovery of an unfortunate individual who had ended up prey to one of these creatures raised a lot of questions - what had befallen this poor person? What kind of unnatural terror would do such a thing?
From these quandaries came legends of man-eating monsters that roamed the night. Virtually every culture on Earth has legends of these creatures.
One of the earliest vampire-like creatures was the Mesopotamian Lilith... although she didn't start out that way. Originally a benevolent agricultural/childbirth goddess, Lilith was demonized by Hebrews much as Christians demonized innocuous nature spirits believed in by pagans. Lilith became a demon believed to be responsible for the deaths of young children in the night, visiting them in their beds and drinking their blood. Eventually she was tacked onto the story of Adam and Eve, said to be Adam's rather feminist first wife, who was created out of dirt (equal to him) and was kicked out of the garden after refusing to submit to him. While the newer Lilith exhibited some vampiric traits, she was certainly not a vampire herself, or even a "mother of vampires," as her victims did not rise as undead - or even demons - themselves. (Though she did give birth to demons, but this was in a more literal "gives birth" sense.
Fast-forward awhile in human development.
An intrepid group of grave-robbers are carrying out their business. They dig up the box, pry it open, rip open the burial shroud, hold their lantern up, and gaze upon the cadaver in anticipation of the valuables it may be carrying.
They notice something is off. Instead of the pale, shrunken look one would normally expect from a corpse, this body has an unusually lively appearance. His complexion is ruddy, he appears plump and well-fed, and a trail of dried blood leads from his mouth.
Being unaware that gasses building up in the corpse would cause it to bloat, break blood vessels, and force blood out of oral and nasal orifices, they come to the logical conclusion that the corpse rose from its grave, fed upon some unfortunate victim, and returned to rest until its next adventure.
These early vampires more closely resembled modern zombies than modern vampires. They were merely mindless corpses looking for their next human meal. No angsting, no billowy capes, no lavish coffins.
Naturally, the next step after discovering this gluttonous corpse was figuring out what to do about it. Removing its head would certainly kill it once and for all, making it easy for the soul to leave. Driving a stake through its chest would pin it to the coffin and prevent it from escaping. Iron, silver, hawthorn, and other items believed to have protective powers could prevent the body from rising when used properly. Placing garlic in the mouth was also said to be effective. In later times, ordinary bullets were considered sufficient.
Other questions were raised - how did these creatures come to be to begin with? Certainly it had something to do with some unholy activity. It was sometimes said that a person who died alone or by suicide could rise as a vampire, or that they were people of immoral natures in life. Other physical oddities were tacked on as a sign of rising from the grave after death: being born with teeth, a tail, or a caul could indicate a future vampire. Consuming the blood of a vampire or smearing it upon oneself to protect oneself from vampires in life made one a candidate for rising as a vampire after death. Also, being attacked by a vampire at some point in one's life also put one at risk. Of course, these are only a handful of the many ways a corpse could rise from the grave to suck blood.
As stories of these horrific creatures spread, different people tacked on their own ideas. Some of these were (relatively) sensible (such as a vampire having neither shadow nor reflection, as both were your soul and a vampire had no soul), but some were truly bizzare.
According to South Slavic/Romanian folklore, a vampire was a soul that could not find rest. It started out as an invisible shadow, sucked blood (or ate food from the bereaved family's larder) until it became an amorphous gelatinous blob, and eventually formed a human body like that it had in life. This process was said to take seven years, and the vampire was then capable of living as a human and fathering children. These children were said to have the ability to see the invisible vampires, making them efficient vampire hunters. However, they would also rise as vampires themselves after death.
A living person could also be a vampire according to Romanian tradition. These people did not rise physically to feed, but instead their souls left their bodies during the night.
Other assorted beliefs were attached to the Slavic vampires: they only had to return to their graves on Saturdays, they could take the form of various animals, they didn't necessarily feed on blood, but sometimes a person's soul or life-essence. They also caused damage to crops and livestock and caused droughts and floods.
Romanian vampires were sometimes said to have two hearts, and the second heart was the one that must be pierced to destroy the vampire.
One variation of vampire is said to be created when a baby dies before its baptismal day. These hellish infants generally choose to attack livestock. It was said that they would eventually become strong enough to withstand the sunlight. (However, the belief that vampires disliked sunlight was hardly universal.) One odd (yet amusing) variant states that pumpkins could turn into vampires if not used by Christmas. Vampiric pumpkins were said to rock back and forth and make odd grunting noises.
Some Greeks believed vampires to be indistinguishable from normal humans, and sometimes even harmless, returning from the gave to give their widows financial support. However, they were more commonly believed to be extremely dangerous. As with anywhere else, the Greeks had their own ideas attached to the myth: on the island of Lesbos vampires were said to have long, wolf-like canines, vampires on the Saronic Islands were said to be hunchbacked with long nails, and on Mount Pelion the undead were said to glow in the dark!
In short, there were so many variations to the vampire myth that there really is no single "traditional" or "real" vampire. The "old-school" vampires we have today (such as Dracula) are but mere hatchlings in the vampiric legacy. So when, where, and how did they develop, anyway? [edit] The beginnings of the modern vampire
Flash to the 1720's-30's: Europe experienced a 'vampire craze' when a few well-documented 'vampire' cases sprang up. A Serbian peasant was believed to have become a vampire, and a short time later an ex-soldier was reported to be frolicking around after his untimely demise at the hands of a haycart. It seems after his death, several other people in his area kicked the bucket, and so vampirism became the prime suspect. Mind you, they had more or less good reason to believe it was this soldier: he claimed to have protected himself against vampires by drinking or smearing himself a vampire's blood during his time in the military, making him a candidate for vampirism himself.
This vampire mania would continue for a generation. Graves were exhumed and re-buried. People suspected of being vampires were executed. The hysteria finally settled down when Empress Theresa of Austria passed laws prohibiting the desecration of graves.
However, vampires were still at large in peoples' imaginations, and vampire fiction began to arise. The 1797 poem Die Braut Von Corinth (The Bride of Corinth) would feature a young bride whose recently-deceased fiancee rises from the grave to woo her with his vamply charms.
The 1819 novel The Vampyre, by John William Polidori, introduces us to Lord Ruthven (pronounced 'Riven') - an introverted sort of character and very attractive to the ladies, also described as being on the pale side (although he was this way before undeath). Lord Ruthven becomes a vampire the "regular" way - that is, the catalyst being a normal death. He certainly fits the bill of a "sexy" vampire, although his only interest in females seems to be for dinner. Also, sunlight doesn't hurt him... but moonlight heals him!
In 1845, the story Varney the Vampire would be released in a series of "penny dreadfuls." It introduced many vampiric concepts we take for granted today, such as fangs, hypnotic abilities, and superhuman strength. This story is also likely the first example of an "angsty" vampire who loathes his condition. Varney the Vampire also borrowed upon the concept of a vampire healed by the moonlight.
1872 introduced us to Carmilla, by Joseph Sheridan le Fanu. First published in a magazine and later in a collection of short stories by the same author, features a female vampire (the title character) who targets a female victim. She is portrayed as highly sensuous... and certainly has no problems traipsing about in the sunshine. Carmilla also introduces the concept of a vampire being able to change form - in this case, a large cat.
Bram Stoker's Dracula, published in 1897, helped to further cement the paradigms set by the literature before him. Stoker chose to base his vampire character on Prince Vlad Dracula of Wallachia, a man who allegedly tortured and executed people in extremely horrific and brutal manners. Certainly Dracula himself wasn't a vampire, but his reputed lifestyle would have fit the requirements for becoming a vampire after death.
Stoker also helped seal the connection between vampires and vampire bats. Although this connection may seem natural now, bear in mind that while vampires are an Old World invention, vampire bats are native to South America - hence, they are a relatively modern addiction to the mythos. Stoker's Dracula could also move about in the daytime - the only detrimental effect being that his powers were weakened. However, Lucy Westenra, a much younger vampire, was restricted to nighttime activities only, returning to her grave at sunrise to enter a state of dormancy.
Stoker's novel also establishes that the human body is inhabited by a vampiric spirit that controls the body and prevents the human soul from escaping the body and entering Heaven. The book establishes the tradition of staking, although at this point it's still (possibly) necessary to follow up with decaptitation. It should also be noticed that Dracula's ostensible demise was brought about by a Bowie knife and nothing fancier. Another tradition (hardly universal) that Stoker popularized was the lack of reflection. [edit] Vampires in the 20th and 21st centuries
The Dracula story was picked up by the budding film industry and released in 1922 in the form of Nosferatu. Due to copyright reasons, names and locations were changed. Many minor characters were removed and certain plot elements were changed. Nosferatu was responsible for introducing the world at large to the concept of sunlight destroying a vampire (as opposed to simply rendering them comatose), as well as the general image of a pointy-eared vampire.
1931 would see the release of Dracula to theaters. The movie also has Dracula being forced to sleep by day, reinforcing the concept of sunlight being harmful to vampires. This version also has Dracula slain with a wooden stake.
1943 gave us The Son of Dracula, which includes quite possibly the earliest use of the name Alucard.
But the evolution of the vampire was hardly over. As science progressed, some authors chose to give vampires a science-fiction gloss. The 1954 novel I Am Legend by Richard Matheson features a bacterium that changes humans into something similar to vampires of popular lore. Most of the "vampires" in this story are liquid-diet zombies, albeit with many of the now-traditional vampiric weaknesses. This book would later be adapted to film three times: first as The Last Man on Earth in 1964 with Vincent Price, later as The Omega Man with Charlton Heston in 1971 (although the vampiric elements were removed), and finally as I Am Legend in 2007 with Will Smith.
Note that by now, the original reason for why stakes being used against vampires (pinning them to their coffins, thus preventing them from getting out) has been forgotten; stakes are merely regarded as some kind of 'anti-vampire' weapon.
The science fiction vampire, while never as popular as the 'mythical' vampires, continues to crop up now and then. Some of them bear very little resemblance to the popular vampire image at all except for the common trait of sucking something from humans, be it blood, brains, or life energy. The science fiction series Star Trek featured a salt vampire that fatally drained its victims' bodies of salt. The salt vampire also had the ability to shapeshift, making it easy for the creature to get close to humans.
In 1973, the dhampir, or "half vampire" became popularized with Marvel Comics' vampire hunter character Blade, who was changed into a half-vampire in the womb when his mother was bitten during late pregnancy.
Starting with Interview with the Vampire in 1976, Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles would add new material to the ever-changing vampire mythos. Her vampires were susceptible to sunlight, drink blood, and exhibit superhuman strength and speed, but garlic, crosses, silver, and stakes were useless. Mind-reading and manipulation, enhanced senses, and other assorted powers would become part of their arsenal of abilities (although usually only the extremely old exhibited a few of the more dramatic 'super-powers'). Rice also introduced the concept of younger vampires gaining 'super-powers' by feeding on the older vampires. The book would later be made into a movie in 1993. While Anne Rice certainly didn't start the concept of insanely sexy vampires, she sure gave them a shot in the arm!
Rice also gives an account of the 'origin' of vampires, tracing it back to ancient Egypt, where an Egyptian queen is transformed into the first vampire due to a vengeful curse.
In 1986, Japan finally got their say in the mythos of vampires with the release of the first Castlevania game. The game's storyline has it that every hundred years Dracula rises again and must be defeated by a member of the Belmont family. The second game introduced Alucard, the half-mortal son of Dracula, further popularizing the idea of a dhampir. The Castlevania series has spawned several sequels, continuing to this day.
In 1991, White Wolf released the tabletop RPG Vampire: The Masquerade. It featured a developed origin for vampires, linking them to the Biblical Cain (called "Caine") and the apocryphal Lilith. For the Masquerade plot, Caine's punishment for killing Abel was the curse of vampirism, and the excommunicated Lilith taught him all the game's vampiric abilities. Vampires in Masquerade are grouped into clans, each one with different strengths, weaknesses, and customs. Masquerade also gave a new meaning to the word "Nosferatu," giving the name to a clan of hideously deformed vampires.
A recent development also suggests that Lilith herself was the mother of all vampires, although the literary origin of this trope is unclear. Perhaps Lilith's roles in Masquerade and a few comic books coupled with her legendary habit of drinking blood at night made her seem like a natural for this role.
In 1992, a cheesy comedy about a high-school girl slaying vampires was released. This movie was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Although the movie itself was fairly obscure, the premise was later made into the much more popular television series, which ran from 1997 to 2003. The series kept the now-traditional concepts of vampires being susceptible to stakes, sunlight, and garlic. Stakes, once used to pin vampires to their coffin, now turn the undead into a heap of dust when impaled. Sunlight now caused vampires to combust. But luckily for the undead, they also get the usual pluses of superhuman strength and agility. They can feed on any mammalian blood, although human blood is generally preferred.
Buffyverse vampires are 'sired' when a human near death consumes vampire blood. Taking a cue from Stoker's novel, a vampiric demon inhabits the human body, raising it to undeath. This demon has very little intelligence, however, and the vampire inherits its brains from the human side. The human soul, however, no longer inhabits the body. Buffyverse vampires are also reflection-free... even when they do have souls. Odd.
The series' explanation on the origin of vampires is closer to H.P. Lovecraft than to the usual pseudo-Judeo-Christian origins, involving big, huge ugly demons that left the earth a long, long time ago.
Another variety of vampire is introduced in the Len Wiseman film [Underworld]. They mainly resemble the modern vampire, with a few slight twists: they're a bunch of ubersexy crack soldiers a la The Matrix, locked in a blood feud with the werewolf species, and their origins have been reworked. According to Underworld, the first vampire was a genetically-volatile superhuman who was bitten by a bat. The DNA in the bat's saliva fused with his own, and as bats are generally lithe, attractive creatures who suck blood and burst into flame in sunlight, the end result was a fairly typical vampire. [edit] Terry Pratchett's Take
Terry Pratchett, the popular sci-fi/fantasy writer, has created two other versions of the typical vampire. The first is that typical vampires still drink blood, faint in the sight of sunlight, and shy away from religious symbols, but they can overcome it. For example, in Carpe Jugulum, the father vampire, or as he styles himself, vampyre, trains the family in order to overcome their "natural instincts"-- what we all recognize as vampire traits. THe other variation on vampires that Pratchett demonstrates is those who choose to be come "Black Ribboners." These vampires swear off blood and gather around a harmonioum for a singsong and cocoa. These vampires take their fixation on blood and instead focus on something else; for example, Otto Chriek, in The Truth has a fixation on light. Similarly, Maledict in Monstrous Regiment has a fixation on coffee, and when he can't find any, his mind gradually slips from coffee back to blood.
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Stuff
Aug 9, 2008 18:49:33 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 9, 2008 18:49:33 GMT -8
Description
The werewolf is a mythological creature, dating back to the Late Antiquity period. Traditionally, it is a man who has gained the ability to change forms between a man and a wolf, but it can also be used to refer to a man (or woman) who becomes a wolf, temporarily or permanently, through any supernatural means. Most commonly, though, it refers to a person who changes between the two regularly, either by neccessity or by choice. This werewolf can be described as one of two categories: the Early Modern werewolf, or the New Modern werewolf. [edit] Early Modern werewolf
Popularized during the werewolf hunts of the late Renaissance period, the Early Modern or Renaissance werewolf is a person who becomes a wolf, voluntarily and repeatedly, via direct witchcraft, a bargain with the devil, or use of an enchanted object. Either a criminal, a joyrider or just someone looking to survive, they generally use their wolf form to commit all manner of atrocities, which may then be blamed on wild animals. While powerful and difficult to kill in their wolf form, Early Modern werewolves are far from immortal, and can be killed rather easily using traditional means.
The best way to identify an Early Modern werewolf is to search their belongings; many use a wolf pelt or magical belt to transform, keeping these objects with their personal effects when not in use. Another way to tell is by unusual scars; any injuries sustained as a wolf will carry over to the human body. If you are unable to examine them this closely, keep a general watch on their behavior and social circles; if someone they know, love or dislike is killed and they cannot account for their actions at the time, it is likely that they became a wolf and killed the person. The same can be applied to the New Modern werewolf. [edit] New Modern werewolf
By contrast, the New Modern or Hollywood werewolf is a man or woman who has gained the predeliction to transform through no fault of their own. They may transform either fully or partially, by choice, on a set schedule or both. The set schedule is far more common, with the werewolf transforming every night from one to five days surrounding the full moon. Unlike the Early Modern werewolf, who seems to retain his or her human mind when transformed, the New Modern tends to go insane, ranging from extreme violent urges to a complete loss of humanity. Only rarely (Teen Wolf) do they maintain a reasonable level of sanity.
New Modern werewolves tend not to retain scars; identifying marks are restricted to a simple bite scar from the werewolf that turned them, or a bleeding pentagram somewhere on the body. The best way to identify a New Modern werewolf is to observe behavior of the people around you; if someone becomes agitated or anxious around the full moon, decides suddenly to leave town, or disappears in the night hours around that time, they are likely candidates. It is important as well to note their recent whereabouts and experiences; wolves will generally not attack people unprovoked, and any who do are likely to be werewolves who will transmit to the condition to any survivors.
New Modern werewolves are also frequently immortal, and nearly indestructable, requiring death by a silver bullet, fire, or decapitation. Occasionally they can be cured, or at least treated to repress their condition, but it often becomes necessary to dispose of them before their violent tendencies get out of hand. Note that it may be possible for a young woman to break a werewolf curse by offering her unconditional love to the sufferer, but this is risky and likely to end in her death. [edit] Common Absurdities
* Werewolves transform when they come into contact with moonlight.
If this worked, then werewolves should transform any time there's a moon out (unless the light provided was simply insufficient), and only have a brief period of time as a wolf before it set. Also, since the moon works by reflecting sunlight onto the Earth, they should also transform in sunlight.
* The moon has direct control over werewolfism.
This idea came about as part of a large set of myths concerning the moon. The moon controlled a woman's menstrual cycle, violence and illness increased dramatically when the moon was full. The idea was further compounded when human blood was discovered to contain large quantities of salt -- scientists speculated that this allowed the moon to influence it the way it did ocean tides.
Scientists now know that this is bunk; the Moon does not control salt any more than it does any other mineral. (It does control tides, but this is based on the position of the moon, which causes a gravitational tug on the side of the Earth to which it is closest.) It may be possible for the moon to have other influence, however; studies show that the menstrual cycle is, in fact, influenced by the amount of moonlight at night, although when taken away from a regular source of moonlight irregularities begin to appear.
* Werewolves are a common/exclusively Native American legend.
Although Native Americans are seen as a mystical, nature-tuned culture, they do not make a habit of transforming into animals in fact or legend. The closest they come is the Navajo myth of Skinwalkers, witches who transform into various animals using the skins thereof. Like the nahual of the south or the Early Modern werewolf, these are considered evil people, certainly nothing like the werewolves of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight. [edit] History and etymology [edit] Etymology
The word "werewolf" comes from the Old English "wer", meaning man, and the word "wolf", meaning... you get the picture. Moving on. [edit] Early history
Werewolves of one form or another have been prowling about the human consciousness for millenia. Even before the "werewolf" as we know it today had become popular, stories circulated of unfortunate folk run afoul of witches or gods and ended up spending the rest of their days as wolves. Perhaps the earliest recorded incident is mentioned in The Epic of Gilgamesh (B.C. 2000), in which the goddess Ishtar is said to have transformed one of her ex-lovers into a wolf.
There were several recorded instances of werewolves after this point, in one form or another. The Odyssey (850 B.C.) is said to contain werewolf beliefs, and the Scythian people (500 B.C.) of what is now Ukraine and nearby Russia recorded their belief that the neighboring Neuri people transformed into wolves and back again once a year. Additionally, the Greek boxer Damarchus (400 B.C.) is said to have spent nine years as a wolf following his transformation at a [Lykaia festival].
Although tales of willing and frequent transformations are likely to have circulated by this point, none were put to record until 37 B.C., when the Latin poet Virgil described a man named Moeris who used a particular herb to "change to a wolf's form, and hide him in the woods".
The concept was not elaborated on, though, and wasn't brought up again until around A.D. 55, when Gaius Petronus included in his Satyricon a story of what would become the typical werewolf. According to the character relating the story, he had embarked on a nighttime journey, and pressed a soldier he'd met to accompany him partway. They came upon a graveyard, where they paused for a while, perhaps to pay respect to the dead. Rather than offer a prayer, however, his companion removed his clothes, urinated in a circle around them, then transformed into a wolf and took off. Examining the clothes, the storyteller discovered that they had been turned to stone, presumably to prevent anything from happening to them while the werewolf went about his business. Shaken, the traveller left them there and continued to his destination, where he learned that the werewolf had arrived ahead of him, attempted to attack a sheep, and been run through the neck by a spear.
Little more seems to have happened for several centuries. There was a tale of a man during the third century who transformed (perhaps willingly) into a wolf after being disinherited; he alledgedly spent several years ravaging farms and families before turning back when he lost one paw to a woodsman. But it wasn't until the 11th century that things really began to pick up again -- coinciding or perhaps connected with the emergence of the Catholic Church. [edit] Werewolves Around the World
Before we get into that, though, let's take a look at the development of werewolves around the world. Although werewolves were just beginning to catch on in western European records, around the world there were tales of men who could turn into animals. Wolves were a frequent candidate.
In Mexico, for example, some natives told of the nahual, a shape-shifting warlock whose form of choice was a black or dark coyote. These were decidedly evil creatures, who posed a serious threat to the natives when in their animal form. (Other tribes have similar beliefs, with a few cursory differences, but the basics are the same.)
In Africa, where there are no wolves, it is believed that there are men who can transform into hyenas or crocodiles. Though certainly less majestic than their Western cousins, they are equally as deadly. (In Japan, where they also have no wolves, the animal of choice is a fox.)
Northward in Portugal, the myth of choice is the lobis-homem -- a fairly traditional werewolf, though unlike many of its cousins at the time it harmed neither people nor livestock. Placed under a spell, the lobis-homem turned into a wolf by groveling in the dirt at a crossroad. (Why he did this is a mystery; presumably it was part of the spell.) He(/she?) would then run into the countryside, howling piteously. This appears to be one of the earlier instances of the angst-filled modern werewolf.
Going northward to Scandanavia, the Ulfdar warriors had rather a different take on the matter. They believed that they were werewolves, and went to great lengths to prove it -- howling, scratching, chewing on their shields, and wearing wolf skins into battle. This was most effective on nights with a full moon, when the poor lighting accentuated their repulsive traits to give the opposition a good case of heebie-jeebies. Really, they did.
Now that we've covered that, let's head back to Europe. [edit] Werewolves in the Middle Ages
The werewolf began to pick up speed again in the eleventh century. Prince Vseslav of Poland was probably responsible in an indirect fashion; local legend had it that he was a werewolf, and he was portrayed as such in the twelfth-century piece The Tale Of Igor's Campaign. The word werewolf also found its birth in the twelfth century, and it wasn't long before stories of werewolves began to appear. 1182 and 1194-97 featured a sighting and a poem, respectively, and in 1198 the French produced Bisclavret, the tale of a werewolf trapped in wolf form by his treacherous wife. (This seems to be the earliest occurence of the New Modern werewolf, as Bisclavret was under a lycanthropic curse and always transformed on the full moon.) The story was retold in 1250 in Lais de Melion , and between 1275 and 1300, the Germans brought us Volsungsaga, which featured two seperate incidences of werewolves.
At this point, things began to slack off again; the fad had passed for the time being. Nevertheless, stories continued to circulate of strange liasons between men and wolves; between the fourteenth and eighteenth centuries, several independent reports appeared of a child from Hesse, Germany who had been taken by wolves as a toddler and raised by them until he was seven or eight. (As there are many conflicting reports on the subject, it cannot be determined whether the story is true.) [edit] Emergence of the modern werewolf
Werewolf tales began to pick up again during the Early Modern period -- specifically, from the 15th century onward. They seem to have come about as part of the growing religious awareness at the time; this same awareness was also the cause of the witch paranoia movement, in which several innocent people were condemned and burned for violating certain petty superstitions.
It was at this time that the modern werewolf began to take shape, crafted by more imaginative members of the era's ruling church. Simply put, it was frequently the wont of these people to explain anything that they feared or could not understand by blaming Satan, pagans or both, and this was no exception. When a rash of inexplicable attacks began occurring - possibly by hungry wolves or unknown means - it was a natural step to assume that some evil person had discovered the means to become a wolf, and was using that power to ravage children or livestock. Ironically, the very traits that many people find attractive or interesting today were crafted from the frightened minds of superstitious individuals.
The problems seem to have started around 1407, when werewolves were mentioned during a witchcraft trial at Basel. Wolves were immediately associated with witches -- anyone who resembled a wolf, kept wolf pelts in their house, or was seen riding a wolf was rounded up and tried. From there, it wasn't long before witches no longer needed to be involved; in 1521, three men, known as the Werewolves of Poligny, were burnt at the stake for crimes such as eating children, consorting with wild lady wolves, and transforming into wolves using a magical salve.
Following the Werewolves of Poligny was a rash of werewolf arrests that spanned from the sixteenth to early seventeenth centuries. Notable ones include Gilles Garnier, who confessed to werewolfism after being put to the rack (note the use of excessive torture to extract information), the Werewolf of Auvergne, who was discovered when her severed paw became a woman's hand, and Peter Stubb, who admitted that he could transform using a magical belt given to him by the Devil. Once again, torture was used to encourage confession.
In the same century, though a bit earlier, a Paduan farmer confessed to being a werewolf, explaining that the only difference between him and a real werewolf was that his hair grew on the inside rather than the outside (we presume he was being metaphorical). In order to test this claim, magistrates had his arms, legs and head cut off. The man died, but whether or not they found hair is not noted.
1598 was a busy year, featuring no less than three seperate werewolf cases within the country of France. The first concerned the "Werewolf of Châlons" or "Demon Tailor", who had reportedly lured children into his Parisian tailor shop. There he tortured the children, murdered them and ate the remains. When lurable children were scarce, he would search for children in the woods -- it was at this time when he was said to have turned into a wolf.
The second focused on the family of one Pernette Gandillon, a woman of questionable sanity who was under the impression that she was a wolf (with wolf mania taking Europe by storm, this is not too surprising). She had attacked two children, one of which survived and reported her to the authorities. She was immediately siezed and killed. Now alerted to the threat, the constabulary captured and interrogated her brother and his two children. Under torture, father and son confessed to possessing an ointment that allowed them to become wolves -- a claim of questionable veracity, but seemingly confirmed by their wolf-like behavior during their imprisonment. It is said that they "they moved around on all fours and howled." The daughter was also found to be a witch, and by the time it was said and done all of them had been hanged and burned.
The last case was less spectacular; it concerned a beggar named Jacques Roulet who admitted under duress that he and two male relatives had turned into wolves, then killed and eaten many women and children. In an ironic and anticlimactic turn, Roulet was committed to an insane asylum due to his questionable mental faculties.
The rest of the period continued in this vein, with criminals being apprehended, forced to confess and subsequently executed. On the literary front, werewolves were equally popular -- in A.D. 1555, Olaus Magnus brought us tales of people in the North who transform en masse once a year and slay everything in their path, and in 1560 and '63 we were treated to Magie naturalis and De praestiigus daemonum, the latter of which controversially suggested that werewolfism was caused by a devil exacerbating a preexisting mental illness. (It seems to have had little effect, as A.D. 1575 saw the beginning of a six-year werewolf trial.)
Finally, after a series of incidents in 1623 in which thirty-one people were tried (eighteen men and thirteen women), things began to calm down. The next notable werewolf did not pop up until 1692, when 80-year-old Theiss of Livonia confessed to werewolfism. He put a heroic spin on the idea, however, "relating a fantastical tale of werewolves descending into hell to fight witches and recover grain from failed local crops." He was given ten lashes for his trouble.
While not a werewolf per se, another peculiarity did occur, which may be the origin of the myth that silver bullets can kill a werewolf. From 1764 to 1767, the French province Gévaudan was terrorized by a mysterious creature that resembled a wolf. It slaughtered between 88 and 123 people and wounded several others before it was finally killed by a silver bullet that a priest had blessed. The animal, called the Beast of Gévaudan, was said to be the size of a cow, with a tufted tail, prominent fangs and red fur.
Although the werewolf hunting was over, the effect it had on the public consciousness was irreversible. People all over Europe had become terrified of wolves and began hunting them down, leading to the mass destruction of local wolf populations. And the image of a werewolf as a magical creature, switching between human and lupine, sane and berserk, was firmly cemented in the people's minds. [edit] Why the Wolf?
It is fairly easy to see how the members of the ruling church came to the idea of werewolves. It raises the question, though: why werewolves? Why not wereowls or werebears? There are three possible answers to that, any of which could coincide with the others. 1: Stories of men transforming into wolves had been circulating for some time, so it was fairly easy to adapt them. 2: Wolves were common in those areas, and served as the man competition with man for food and space. 3: Wolves are described/portrayed in the Bible as evil creatures come to destroy the flock of Christ, as part of the sheep/shepherd analogy. What some have failed to realize is that real wolves are no more evil than real sheep are sacred. [edit] Torture as a means to extract confession
In several of these accounts, you may note that the subjects of the trials only confessed to werewolfism after intense torture. This was fairly common for the time; the less-than-exemplary constabulary wanted someone guilty, and once they had chosen a party they would do everything in their power to prove that they had committed the crime in question. (As a scholar of the time pointed out, people will confess to all manner of audacious, horrendous and downright impossible things when tortured.) While many of those executed may have been real criminals, it is likely that the werewolf aspect and possibly more was invented by their accusors, either to lend more flavor to the whole thing or to explain how someone could commit such an atrocious act. [edit] Werewolves in the modern era
After the fiasco of the trials, werewolves began a slow and incomplete slide into obscurity. That is, they were no longer exceptionally popular, but every once in a while someone would pop up with Another Werewolf Book. Perhaps the best of these was The Book Of Were-Wolves (1865), which brought together several preceding myths in a comparative study. It was written by a guy who is best known for writing Onward Christian Soldiers, which may seem rather ironic, but there you have it.
A couple of other books came out in the early 20th century, neither very interesting to the werewolf enthusiast; with the invention of the video, the myth was moving to bigger media. Its first appearance in film was in 1913, with the short film The Werewolf. Remaining faithful to early legends, the movie depicts an "Indian" woman (most likely a native American) whose husband is killed by white men. Aggravated, she becomes a witch, and passes on both her skills and aggravation to her daughter, who uses her wolfskills to kill white men until "she encounters a friar and his cross," when she is killed. 100 years later she is reincarnated, and sets out to kill "the reincarnation of the man who shot her lover" (further details are not offered). Unfortunately, the film was destroyed by a fire in 1924. It was followed by The White Wolf in 1914, a silent movie about a Navajo medicine man who transforms himself into a timber wolf.
Perhaps the best-known werewolf movie of the 20th century is The Wolf Man, but given its early debut it had a surprising number of predecessors. Wolf Blood is a tale of a man who receives a blood transfusion from a she-wolf and experiences lycanthropy (of the mental kind), and foreign producers introduced two seperate titles called Le Loup Garou. (The first, a French film, was released in 1923 and is known as The Werewolf; the second is German, was released in 1932 and is known simply as Werewolf.)
Still, full lists and descriptions of every werewolf movie ever made are available elsewhere, so this article has been limited to the more notable ones, starting with Werewolf of London (1935).
This is the earliest traditional werewolf movie, although it seems to play second fiddle to The Wolf Man. It's about a botanist, who is attacked by a werewolf while wandering about Tibet and begins to transform upon his return to England. In what would become a staple for werewolf movies, he then launches on the "angst/search for the cure" routine. And, in what would also become a staple for werewolf movies, he dies. Yep, lycanthropy bites. In fact, this movie began most of the concepts that would become werewolf movie staples: lycanthropy transmitted through bite, violent urges while transformed, and the prospect of a remedy for the afflicted. The plot, makeup and special effects techniques used in the movie would be repeated for years to come.
In The Wolf Man (1941), basically the same thing happens, but with one less botanist, fewer gypsies, and Lon Chaney, Jr. Starring as Lon's father is Claude Raines, also known for his role as The Phantom of the Opera, a position earlier filled by Lon Chaney, Sr. This movie, which carried over many traits from Werewolf of London, was largely responsible for the popularization of those concepts, as well as the previously-obscure notion that a werewolf could only be killed by silver and that the pentagram symbol was involved. The movie also cemented the Wolfman's position as a monster, leaving him open to exploitation by many a low-budget filmmaker, whose favorite hobbies include pairing him with Frankenstein and/or Dracula.
Another notable factoid about The Wolf Man is that it features Bela Lugosi as the other werewolf, possibly one of the earliest cameo appearances in film history.
Following the success of The Wolf Man, several low-budget films were made to cash in on its popularity, but most of them failed to stand out. The next popular werewolf film didn't happen until 1957, with the peculiar and rather controversial "I Was A Teenage Werewolf".
Though poorly made, I Was A Teenage Werewolf was one of the first movies to deviate from the standard WerewolfofLondon or WolfManMeetsSomebodyElse formula (though not by too large a margin). It was also one of the first movies marketed to the growing teenage theatre audience, following the widespread introduction of televisions into the home. That is, with the television making it easier to watch things at home, fewer people were going to see movies, and those that did were mainly teens. This movie was marketed to them.
1959 brought an equally peculiar piece -- the Mexican movie El Hombre y el monstruo (The Man and the Monster). It, too, deviates from the standard werewolf formula, focusing instead on a musician who sells his soul "in order to become the greatest pianist in the world." The trade-off - besides his soul - is that he becomes a werewolf every time he plays. And apparently, it helps.
Next up in the list of memorable movies is Curse of the Werewolf (1962), the only feature-length werewolf movie to be produced by Hammer Studios. Its main character is the bastard son of a mute servant girl, who died in childbirth on Christmas Day -- an origin loaded with several different ways to be born a werewolf, so the child is doomed from the start. His adoptive parents learn this early on, and manage to control the boy's tendencies, but when he is grown-up, on his own and beginning to discover love, it's high time for the curse to rear its ugly head.
This could have been a fun little Aesop about True Love Conquering All, or at least an inspiring love story. Instead, in grand werewolf fashion, the main character dies. Again.
Of course, no genre of horror movies should appropriately exclude Vincent Price, and in 1970 Cry of the Banshee was made. Much like an ancient legend, this movie focuses on a self-centered and abusive Lord, who is cursed by a coven of witches he slighted. The result of this is that his family is then picked off one by one by a mysterious werewolf. The movie is said to be pretty cheesy, though.
Werewolf movies - with the exception of a few gimmicky cameos - vacated America for awhile, leaving room for an enormous host of obscure foreign productions and one documentary. Then, in 1971, they released Werewolves on Wheels. "A gang of tough bikers encounter satanic monks and an ancient curse in this exploitative cult movie." Enough said.
After another long slew of foreign movies, we come to The Werewolf of Washington (1973), a satire somewhat of werewolf movies but mainly of politics. The main character, a reporter who left the country to get away from the President's daughter, is traveling in Hungary when he is attacked by a werewolf. He successfully fends it off with a silver-headed cane, but the gypsies warn him that he is now a werewolf. Undaunted, he returns to Washington, D.C., which is where the plot begins to break away from The Wolf Man. Dean Stockwell stars as the title werewolf, a fascinating twist in itself. Unfortunately, the awesomeness of Dean Stockwell playing a werewolf is mainly negated by narm.
Werewolves suffered another long dark tea-time at this point, broken only by such low-grade films as Wolfman (1979). While the werewolf legend has been blamed on hypertrichosis for some time, this movie takes it to the logistical extreme, the "werewolf" being an actor with an exceptional amount of fur attached to his face.
Finally, in 1981, things picked back up. The 80's were a decade that produced more campy teen-oriented films than should ever have been allowed. To kick things off, they decided to revive the campy teen werewolf genre with Full Moon High, a silly and rather unremarkable film about a boy who becomes an ageless werewolf and later decides to return to school.
Perhaps fortunately for werewolves, 1981 also brought us The Howling and An American Werewolf In London.
The Howling departs from the personal angst/drama story to deliver a horror/psychological thriller, a genre that hadn't been explored during the peak of the werewolf movie craze. Based somewhat loosely on the earlier novel of the same name, the story follows a TV news anchor who suffers a traumatic (and audience-disturbing) experience and is sent to "rehab" in a place called "The Colony". Which turns out to be loaded with werewolves. It all goes downhill from there (though it has a slam-bang of a twist ending). Perhaps the highlight of the movie, besides the introduction of the werewolf design that would later be imitated in Van Helsing, is the expensive-looking transformation sequence that alternates between narm and genuine horror.
Then there is An American Werewolf In London, a much more traditional (in the cinematic sense) story of two young men who go hiking in the England wilds. Despite the film's title, it has nothing to do with Werewolf of London, though it does follow the formula. The two guys are attacked by a werewolf, and as in The Wolf Man of long ago, only one survives. In a creepy twist, though, the non-living victim of the attack returns as a ghost, bringing tidings of doom and transformation to the surviving character. Overall, it's pretty formulaic --the main character doubts for awhile, gets legends stuffed down his throat, angsts, transforms, kills some people, turns back, angsts some more, transforms again and dies. Bet you saw that coming. It was popular, though, probably because for the first time in many years it had enough budget to make a decent-looking werewolf, and an engrossing body-horror transformation sequence. Between this film and The Howling, the werewolf genre was successfully rebooted, which unfortunately spawned more flops than gems. Many years from the 80's onward would see between two and eight werewolf movies, one (2004) reaching as many as fourteen.
Next in the list of popular werewolf media is Thriller (1983), a 13-minute music video by Michael Jackson, for which he hired professional makeup artists to make him look properly werewolfy. Unfortunately, it didn't help; the end result looked more like a large plastic cat-rat. While not especially significant to the werewolf mythos, the video was certainly popular and inexplicably featured the voice of Vincent Price.
1985 was a heady year for werewolf features; no less than eight films were released. Adventures of a Two-Minute Werewolf, She, Howling II... nine total, if you count Ladyhawke, although as far as werewolf movies go it's one of the most far-flung. Featuring a soldier cursed by a bishop over a matter of Michelle Pfeiffer, it hearkens back to old myths more than anything werewolves have seen in the past several decades.
But perhaps the most notable werewolf product of 1985 is Teen Wolf, an utterly ridiculous movie about a teenager who, in the midst of growing up, discovers that he's inherited a lycanthropic curse from his parents. The plot is silly, the acting is silly, the prosthetics are silly... the main saving grace of this movie is that it actually lampshades and subverts the werewolf clichés that have been lurking around since the days of Lon Chaney, Jr. In a world where those rules have reigned surpreme, it's kind of refreshing.
(It's also worth it to see Michael J. Fox turn into something resembling a werewolf, because what with the bad prosthetics and the angst and confusion it was just hilarious.)
The werewolf legend also hit TV in the 80's, with a rather popular TV show succinctly titled Werewolf (hint: search "Werewolf TV Show" or "Werewolf 1987"). The werewolf prosthetics were not especially well-crafted, but the show managed to conceal this for some time using reduced lighting and unrevealing camera angles, and sources state that the plots were entertaining.
In 1988, the werewolf mythos suffered a forceful collision with the Scooby-Doo mythos, producing Scooby-Doo and the Reluctant Werewolf. This really accomplished nothing for either side, other than setting the pace for many, many werewolf cartoons to follow.
Meanwhile, on the roleplaying front, the success of Vampire: The Masquerade had the big guys at White Wolf quite pleased, and they began looking for a way to capitalize on the success. The result: Werewolf: The Apocalypse. Unlike Masquerade, where players mainly feuded with vampires from other clans and attempted to diablarize Cain, Apocalypse gave them a job to do: protect the spirit and well-being of Mother Earth from the evils of the Wyrm -- not a race of dragons, but an evil force woven into the cloth of the world that mainly expresses itself through a large corporation. Like the vampires of Masquerade, the werewolves of Apocalypse are sorted into thirteen tribes, each with particular traits; unlike Masquerade, though, they tend to cooperate with each other rather than feuding.
And in 1989, we have "Howling Mad", a clever and entertaining book by author Peter David about a wolf who is bitten by a werewolf and turns into a man on the full moon. It also has a vampire in it, but unlike so many other Vampire + Werewolf stories, he is a fairly minor character; it is the werewolves who take center stage.
Full Eclipse (1993) is an action movie about a crack squadron of werewolf police. Aside from the influence of the moon on werewolves, it seems to discard most of the Chaney mythos outright, operating strictly on the Rule of Cool. The prosthetics, while a little strange, were fairly impressive; they seemed to have built on the werewolves of The Howling, with reasonable improvement. With the large, wolflike heads and inhumanly broad shoulders, they greatly resemble the Van Helsing werewolf to come.
In 1996, Bad Moon introduces yet another respectable work in werewolf prosthetics, indicating that perhaps filmmakers were beginning to take the genre seriously. It also introduces a werewolf who is stopped by, of all thngs, the family dog. Refreshingly, no silver bullets are used.
Or perhaps not. 1997 saw the release of The Creeps, a B-movie in which a mad scientist manages to create a living wolfman (amongst a slew of other classic Universal monsters) who is four feet tall and proportionately pervy. Given the large number of "Dracula and also a Wolfman" movies put out by Universal, it seems that the Wolfman - along with Frankenstein's monster and the Mummy - has been very firmly established as a companion monster for Dracula (certainly not a new idea, as we'll see later).
1998: another busy year, with seven movies involving werewolves. The crown of the groop is perhaps Sieben Monde, a German film about a man investigating a slew of brutal werewolf-style murders. Not so impressive in itself, but as the character continues to investigate, he comes to realize that all the clues indicate himself as the culprit. Which leaves us with one question: Why have the "irony detective" and werewolf genres not crossed sooner?
In 1999, there came The Rage of the Werewolf, another creative take on the story (apparently werewolves were officially popular again). This one kicks off with a brilliant load of not-science loosely inspired by The Werewolf of London, when an asteroid collides with the Moon and causes its orbit to shrink by a few degrees. Since Hollywood has managed to attribute werewolfism directly to the Moon itself (rather than the dramatically-timed curses of earlier films), this causes a sudden surge of lycanthropy in the populace. And also earthquakes, tidal shifts, and the risk of further orbital decay, but those weren't especially important to the plot, so the writers conveniently omitted them in favor of the X-Men-style story.
It seems increasingly that the more popular a werewolf movie, the stranger it is going to be. In Ginger Snaps (2000), werewolves are just like other teenagers, except they develop fangs and hair and murderous tendencies. Also, they resemble B'Elanna Torres during some phases of their transformation.
Then, in 2003, came "Underworld". Possibly the first vampire movie without Dracula to involve werewolves as major characters, Underworld portrays them as an entire race, called "Lycans". And rather than taking advice from the earlier legends (well, aside from the turning-into-wolves-on-full-moons and death-by-silver bits, which you Just Don't Change), they have made the Lycans into a family of brutal, bitter people who, much like some Americans, are still nursing some ancient racial-offense wounds. Their origin, like that of the vampires, has been reworked; the first werewolf was a genetically unstable human who was bitten by a wolf and mutated. Later on they learn to control their transformation, and somehow it becomes associated with the moon.
Every so often, a year comes about where a lot of werewolf movies are released. 2004 was one of those, with no fewer than thirteen (fourteen if you count the short video The Werewolf Solution). And two of these were Ginger Snaps installments. Other notables include the long-awaited Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, featuring a scrawny, hairless Ginger Snaps-esque werewolf played by David Thewlis, and Van Helsing, a corny-but-entertaining Universal throwback featuring Dracula, an impressive, beefy CGI Wolfman, and Frankenstein's monster. And also Mr. Hyde, who is often considered an honorary werewolf by the dedicated community. It both elevated the Wolfman to a titan of sorts, by making him the only creature that could kill Dracula, and embarassed him greatly by giving Dracula complete control over most incarnations.
Low-budget werewolf movies tend to be the kind of campy, inaccessable and generally lame things that the public eye tends to pass over. Despite all this, a fairly decent one managed to hit the shelves in 2006: Lycan Colony, a somewhat Howling-esque indie about a family who has just moved into a town occupied entirely by werewolves. The film goes into some of the social aspects of such an arrangement - when that many werewolves are that densely packed, it's hard to find fresh human to nosh - and apparently offers some decently-assembled werewolf prosthetics.
Which pretty much covers it for the werewolves of this period. Much of what occured has been a rehashment of the same plot and regulations established in Werewolf of London. A few manage to rise above the plot, or add to it; some just launched into all-out horror movies and left it at that. [edit] Explanation for the werewolf myth
Many scholars have attempted to explain the werewolf myth by attributing it to various diseases of the body and mind. The condition hypertrichosis is frequently cited, as it can cause excessive hair growth on the face on body. Other explanations include mental illness (quite possible in some cases), ergot poisoning, rabies, and porphyria, which has also been mentioned as a potential cause for vampire myths.
Some have suggested that the "werewolf sightings" came about as a result of mass hysteria, possibly due to the audacity of a rash of serial killings. The perpetrators of these crimes would mutilate, kill and finally eat their victims -- what would be considered wolflike behavior. Transforming physically into a wolf was simply the next step.
Others suggest that some attacks, said to be the result of abnormally large and powerful wolves, were actually made by wolf/dog hybrids. Wolves are fairly timid and will not attack a human without provocation, but wolf/dogs who have been raised to treat human territory as their own have no such restraints.
Most or all of these ideas have merit, though it is unlikely that any one of them is the single source of the myth. More likely, the stories are a result of some or all of these phenomena, in addition to other factors (such as the behavior of the Ulfdar) and old-fashioned human imagination. [edit] Ways to become a werewolf and to cure werewolfism
Note: these methods are untested, not recommended, and provided only for entertainment and educational purposes for the use of writers in fiction. Many of the methods listed range from foolhardy to outright deadly. The Writerium cannot be held responsible for anything that should happen to you should you attempt any of these.
To become a werewolf: [edit] Voluntarily
Worldwide:
* Perform a transformation ritual. * Become a witch or warlock and master shapeshifting. * Trade your soul for lycanthropy. * Alternatively, trade your soul for something else and take lycanthropy as a side effect. * Wear the skin of a werewolf, wolf, or hanged man. * Wear an enchanted belt or other strap.
Europe and Mediterranian:
* Apply the correct magical salve or herb to your body. * Eat the flesh of a werewolf. * Eat or wear a Lycanthropus flower on the full moon. * Voluntarily or involuntarily: eat wolfsbane. * Voluntarily or involuntarily: eat nightshade. (Note: actual nightshade is deadly.)
[edit] Involuntarily
Worldwide:
* Sustain injuries in a werewolf attack and survive. * Violate the warnings of gypsies, locals and others in-the-know. * Inherit werewolfism from one or both parents.
Europe and Mediterranian:
* Drink water from the footprint of a werewolf, or from a stream that a werewolf has drunk from. * Bilk a gypsy: irritate a witch, warlock, god or other powerful being.
South America:
* Be the seventh son born in a row. * Come in contact with a werewolf's saliva. * Be born on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. (Also applies in Russia.) * Be an unwanted child or the product of rape.
Modern America:
* Recieve a blood transplant or replacement organ from a werewolf. * Recieve an injection of a lycanthropy-inducing serum.
[edit] To cure a werewolf
* Addressing an Early Modern werewolf by its Christian name is said to return it to human form. * If an Early Modern voluntary has a wolf skin, destroy this to prevent further transformation. * Sprinkle a werewolf with a compound of "1/2 ounce of sulphur, 4 drachms of asafoetida, 1/4 ounce of castoreum; or of 3/4 ounce of hypericum in 3 ounces of vinegar; or with a solution of carbolic acid further diluted with a pint of clear spring water" while speaking his or her Christian name. * Consuming wolfsbane is said to cure lycanthropy, if it doesn't cause it. * The werewolf must kneel in one place for 100 years. * Perform the sign of the cross in front of the werewolf (note: success levels may vary). * Strike the werewolf three times on the head with a knife. * If the werewolf cannot be cured, it may be possible to control symptoms by administering a particular herb. * If all else fails, a silver bullet to the heart will generally eradicate problems.
[edit] Werewolves and vampires
For some time, humans have made a connection between werewolves and vampires. As far back as the nineteenth century, it was common for a vampire tale of popularity to be followed by a werewolf tale - James Malcolm Rymer's penny dreadful series Varney the Vampire (1845) was followed by a series called Wagner the Wehr-Wolf, which was penned by hack writer G. W. M. Reynolds.
Why, though, are the two so closely entwined? While it seems quite natural today, it is a little perplexing as to how it began. One writer speculates that parallel evolution was involved -- both vampires and werewolves are creatures of the night, hunting man and beast alike under cover of darkness, transmitting their horrible curse through death or bite. The similarities alone would be enough for men such as Reynolds to assume that fans of one would appreciate the other. The more solid, Underworld-esque connection was probably not established until later, when Universal Pictures created such movies as House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula and Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein. These were followed by other vampires-plus-werewolves films, and at some point it occured to someone that the title character of Bram Stoker's Dracula was said to be able to control wolves.
With all those connections, coincidences and moonlight romance dramas floating about - as well as a permeating air of "bite-me" girlfriend angst - it occured to someone that vampires and werewolves weren't so different after all. Or perhaps it just occured to someone that it would be cool to put them together. Regardless, in 1993, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter debuted, featuring an attractive female lead, vampire villains, and a large additional cast of werewolves, werejaguars, werehyenas, wererats, wereswans, and other were-creatures. The popularity of the series, along with other written works and the tendencies of White Wolf roleplayers to hybridize their Vampire: The Masquerade and Werewolf: The Apocalypse is likely to have led to somewhat of a cult following of the "Vampire Vs. Werewolf" phenomenon. With the Internet running strong, various groups could meet and compound their beliefs. The movie Underworld probably served to popularize this idea more than to spawn it. [edit] Were Spinoffs
Given the fertility of the human imagination, it was perhaps inevitable that the concept of a "were" - meaning, in this case, a human who turns into an animal - would be applied to other species. These may subscribe to some or all of the commonly accepted myths, or they may simply be humans who transform into a single animal; this is largely dependent on the material. Animals used are limited only to the imagination; creatures such as other canines, large cats, and even dolphins, swans, and cows have appeared.
Additionally, there have been several characters which resemble or transform into wolves, but as they do not fit the commonly accepted werewolf mold are not labeled as such. These include:
* The aforementioned character in Ladyhawke. * The Hallmark miniseries The 10th Kingdom had a character who was half-wolf. He had a permanant tail, and tended to become violent around the full moon; however, he never actually transformed. * The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, a game for the GameCube and Wii, gives the main character the ability to turn into a wolf and back.
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Aug 13, 2008 14:33:12 GMT -8
Post by Seventh Lass on Aug 13, 2008 14:33:12 GMT -8
yay. wow, i read thru most of that, it's awesome! is this out of some sites?
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Aug 18, 2008 6:59:08 GMT -8
Post by Imorta Thaw on Aug 18, 2008 6:59:08 GMT -8
yup. Some of it is really cute.
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